Diary Of a Sex Diva

It's not about authority--it's about trust

2011-12-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

I have two friends.

Bernadette is perfect. She's never made a mistake in her life. She never swears, never drank too much, never smoked, never slept with the wrong guy, her house is spotless and--as she would have me believe--her life is, too. Her life and the way she looks at life is all black and white with no gray and no room for compromise.

Tina is a bit of a mess. She's in a good place now, but she has been down the wrong road now and then and had to find her way back. She still swears, drinks too much now and then, and has most definitely slept with the wrong guy and cried for weeks because of it. Her house is a mess, but she knows how to have fun, and she also knows that life is not simple. She believes that life is full of gray areas and there is rarely a simple right or wrong answer to anything.

If I have a problem, or have made a mistake and need help...or drank too much and need a ride home...who do you think I'm more likely to call on?
That is basically my parenting philosophy in a nutshell--and over the last few months I have had many opportunities to be thankful for it.

I have three teenage sons and over the last few months I have been amazed and so thankful for the things they have felt comfortable sharing with me. Issues with relationships, friends, girlfriends, alcohol and life in general--I have been privileged to be a part of it. To be either the mentor and advice-giver, or merely the trusted friend that they are comfortable to confide in. Nothing could make me happier--or more proud--as a parent to see the way my boys have chosen t handle these various issues. And while I think much of it is attributed to the simple fact that I was blessed with amazing kids--I think I can take credit for some of it as well. Specifically, I have built the kind of relationship with my kids that allows for this kind of sharing. And on that note, I want to share Nikki's Five rules for establishing Teen Trust.

1. Ask questions. I'm not talking about the general, "How was your day" kind of question. That's far too vague and easy to dismiss. Anybody can ask your kid that, and it's far too easy to dismiss. You need to ask questions that are specific to their lives...and that show that you've taken an interest and continue to care about what they're doing and who they're doing it with. Questions like:

Who are you hanging out with at lunch these days?
Who is dating who in your circle of friends?
Do you think that's a good match? Do you think it'll work out?
Is there anyone you're interested in? And why? What about them do you like?
What teacher do you like?
What assignments do you have due next week?

2. Share from your own life. Try to stay away from the "When I was your age...." type of stories! Those typically come off as authoritarian and preachy. For me, the purpose of personal stories from your youth shouldn't be to teach so much as it should be to show that..."You know what? I've been there. I know what it's like." AND hopefully, to show that you're not perfect either. That you've made mistakes too, that you've been hurt, that people have let you down and that you've let others down too. It's not about elevating yourself--it's about putting yourself on the same playing field with your kids. And this includes stories about drinking, sex and maybe even experimentation with drugs.

3. Talk about sex--early and often. When they're five and come home asking what a boner is...TELL THEM THE TRUTH! If you act uncomfortable with the words and the subject how do you think THEY're going to be comfortable with it? Talk about sexuality, homosexuality, birth control and abortion. Talk about porn because you know what? They're watching it. Or reading about it. And they're definitely thinking about it!
Joke about sex. Have fun with it. Make it part of every day life, because you know what? It is.

I heard a counselor say once that if they haven't started asking those questions by the age of nine, then it's time to start talking about it anyway. Maybe they're not asking because somebody at school told them the "answers" and they think they know already. Chances are they're wrong.

4. Allow your kids to drink alcohol with you at home. Why would you think that a kid who has just turned 19 and goes out for his "first" drinking binge will automatically and magically know what it feels like and how to handle it responsibly? I am of the philosophy that I would much rather they learn gradually, and under my supervision, what they like and don't like, and how they're body reacts to it. If they're first binge is at 16 and they get so drunk they throw up and feel miserable the next day--I'd much rather it happen in the safety of my own home then out at a party when they've got to find a ride home.

5. This is the biggest rule...and really what it all boils down to. DO NOT JUDGE! You have to earn their trust and a big part of doing that is building a relationship where they know they can tell you anything without fear of judgment or punishment. When my son was ten and he threw a rock that broke a window he knew that he'd done something stupid and there would be consequences. But he's not ten anymore, and I'm not with him 24 hours a day. He's not throwing rocks anymore, he has the potential to create a new life. I can't ground him for that. I have to make sure he has the information to make sure it doesn't happen at all--but to trust in my love in the unfortunate instance that it does.

I have to hope and trust that I've done a good job raising him, and that for the most part he'll make good decisions--but when he has questions or isn't sure where to turn he needs to know that he can come to me and I won't judge him for asking which condom to buy. I want to know when he's had too much at a party and needs a trusted ride home. And I want him to trust me to be there to help him find ways to cope with any poor decisions...and how to avoid them in the future.

My boys are only just venturing into adulthood, but I think they're headed in the right direction. Those are my guidelines for helping them find that direction. It may not be for everyone...but it's worked for me.

No More Slut Shame! (Guest post)

2011-04-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the Slut Walk in downtown Toronto. I was unable to attend, but in honour of this event I have been granted permission by my good friend, Jason, to post his wonderful blog entry on the topic.
You can find more from Jason at www.atheistevolution.blogspot.com

~*~*~*~*~*
For sex there has always been a double standard for women. That is, we tend to impose harsh judgement on women who have it.

At all.
In any circumstance.

Even if it is against her will.

Take the case of 14 year old Hena Akhter from Bangladesh.

She was found by a woman whose husband was in the act of raping her.
What did she do?
She took her and beat her for the crime of having relations with her husband.

This is a man who was punished before for harrassing her, but when she was taken and brutally raped by this man with a previous predatorial history his punishment was only a few lashes (the punishment was 201, but they stopped after only a few).

And how did SHE fair in this ordeal as the victim of such a savage act? How did the law, her neighbors and her church protect her?

101 lashes for "adultery" as imposed by the fatwa of the local Imam.

She died from her wounds.

She would have been better off not screaming for help and just simply giving in to his evil impulses. Such is the savagery of her vagina being a matter of public interest.

Why did he get off with only a few lashes and she was whipped to, what would later be, her death?

Because she is a woman, and her sexuality is not open to comprimise. Her vagina is owned by those who would judge her, and her sexuality is not left to her discrecion as to how it is best enacted, or even protected.

She is a thing to be owned and, as property, she is expected to maintain her "purity" as those in power see fit without regard for motivation or circumstance.

We can't write it off as simply "their culture" when people are being subjugated like this.

Think that this just happens in extremist countries?

Think again.

Let's move on now to the recent article in the New York Times by James C. McKinley.

This one tells of an 11 year old girl who was gang raped on video in East Texas by a group of 18 young men.

She is the victim of a brutal, terrifying and life altering attack, and in this mainstream news source (The New York Times) she is portrayed as a young harlot with an uncaring and irresponsible mother, who dresses, and acts in such a way as to "draw"her attackers into this act of violence. This newspaper was more concerned with the fate of the boys than the condition of the victim.

There is no sympathy in the article, or even in the statements of the community members, for this young girl. Only for the attackers, and for the effect it has had on their community.

These are not all upstanding young men. There are among their numbers, thieves, drug dealers, and killers. But yet, the concern still lies in what a terrible thing it is for these boys to "have to live with it for the rest of their lives".

Seriously??

What about HER having to live with it? How about asking how SHE got drawn into such a situation? How about forgetting the effect on your poor community and focusing on the effect that it has had on her family??

The assault didn't even end there. The video of her humiliation was shared amongst students at her local school.

But STILL when asked, THIS is the background information that the writer felt was important.

"Residents in the neighborhood where the abandoned trailer stands — known as the Quarters — said the victim had been visiting various friends there for months. They said she dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground, some said."

-Ny Times

So she deserved it?

Perhaps she dressed inappropriately, but our response is to focus on that instead of the horrible crime?

Perhaps she wasn't smart in placing herself in such company, or by being alone in such a place, or even by dressing in a way that garners the wrong attention for an 11 year old.

But to say that makes her somehow responsible for her victimization is absolutely unconscionable.
To even pretend that right after such an attack is the time to give her a lesson on how she COULD have better protected herself from these animals is ridiculous, unfeeling and immoral in the highest degree.
It implies that she should shoulder part of the blame, and that she somehow drew those boys to a crime that they otherwise wouldn't have committed.

I dont' care if she was marching down the middle of the street at midnight wearing nothing but brightly coloured sneakers and nipple tassels, if she gets brutalized it is NOT her fault.

It is the fault of the people who performed the actions.

PERIOD

People are responsible for their own actions.

But because she is a woman, her vagina is public property and places her in the untenable position of being judged for such things.

There is no other crime in the world that asks for the motivation of the victim.

Car stolen? If it was red and sexy, then it is your own fault.

House vandalized? If you yelled at your mailman and the neighborhood boys, then they can't be blamed.

Stabbed and robbed? If you were dressed nicely like you had money, then it is YOU who should be held accountable.

There is no situation where sex had against a womans will is excusable. None.

Ever.

And to point fingers at HER after the act, is inhuman.

Even here in Toronto, (and even more surprisingly, during a Campus safety information session at York University) Toronto Police officer Const. Michael Sanguinetti, gave the advice to women to stop dressing like "sluts" if they didn't want to be victimized. I understand the cautionary, (who doesn't want to know how to fall under the radar of predators) but to include the distasteful label with it implies personal responsibility for the violence and that is unacceptable.

(The constable issued an apology nearly a month later)

ENOUGH of the slut shaming!! Just enough.

Toronto has had enough. Sonya JF Barnett has had enough.

She has courageously taken it upon herself to do something about it. Look it up under the Slutwalk. She is taking to the streets, and leading a crowd behind her. Dress like a "slut"? GOOD she says. Own the term and take it back.

Sexual assault isn't about what you wear, it isn't about how you act, and it isn't about how you tempt. It is about violence and it is NOT a woman's fault when it is inflicted upon her.

Slut shaming (thanks to Ms Barnett for that term) isn't just about sexual assault. It is about judging a womans character based soley upon her private decisions in her own bedroom.

Shame on you Toronto.

Shame on you New York Times.

Shame on you Bangladesh.

And shame on every one of you who feels that it is your place to judge a woman for what she does with her body or how she acts in the privacy of her own bedroom, or who gives even the slightest understanding or forgiveness to the evil men who betray each womans right to consent by forcing the choice on her.

This is the result of an attitude that is far more prevalent that you might think.

How many of you would lose respect for a woman who had been with 20 men?

30?

40?

What about a man?
Would they be held to the same standard?
Why not?

Boys will be boys. We are expected to pursue and allowed to own our own genetalia and the privacy that comes with sexual matters.
Women can do so only under the veil of secrecy for fear of being branded immoral, and labeled a slut who is responsible for whatever befalls her.

Even if it is done against her will.

Shouldn't they have the same freedoms that we do?
The same ability to like sex within or outside a relationship without being judged for it?
And shouldn't they be allowed the same freedom of choice to NOT have sex forced upon her without facing that same judgement?

To be made twice a victim? Once for the violence her attacker inflicted on her, and twice by US for judging her somehow responsible.

It is already a crime that goes unreported. Let's not make it worse.

Give women the same ownership of their sexuality, their genetalia and their consent as we have.

Think about it.

-Jason Burgoyne, Toronto, Ontario Canada

*~*~*~*~*~
Just to add my 2 cents worth.... I have long thought, as well, that women need to take ownership and revamp the meanings of many of the "derogatory" terms such as "bitch" and "slut". I think we've made progress with bitch. lol. And I think the new definition of "slut" should go something like this:
Slut: a) A woman who is comfortable in her own sexual skin. Who has taken ownership of her body and her sexuality and who has no use for judgement...whether of her own sexuality or that of others. Whether she has had sex with one man or a thousand...or whether she used to BE a man and is now a transgendered lesbian, her sexuality is her own business and has nothing to do with her value as a human being.
b) A woman who can use the words "fuck", "cock," "pussy" and "cunt" comfortably, and in the correct, non-derogatory context, without shame or blame.
c) An equal match for any cock-sucker.

High Fidelity

2011-01-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

When you hear the phrase, "She was unfaithful," what is your automatic assumption. What is the conclusion that we all, pretty much universally draw from that phrase? Sex. Of course. We assume that the infamous "she" had infamous sex with some other infamous "he". Or maybe a she, although that doesn't seem to be quite as bad....does it? lol

But in recent years I've had reason to question this. Why do we jump to that conclusion? Is that all fidelity is? Keeping exclusive sexual congress? One cock for one vagina? And that's it?

I have trouble accepting that. So....now I must ask the question: What, exactly is fidelity? When we promise "to be faithful" in a marriage vow....what are we truly committing to?

The dictionary definition is straight forward enough:
Fidelity: 1. Faithfulness to obligations, duties, or observances.

Okay, clear enough. But in a marriage/partnership, what ARE those obligations, duties and observances. (And I couldn't help but notice that the word "sex" didn't come up anywhere in the dictionary definition.)

Maybe I should start by giving a couple of examples to illustrate my conundrum.

Example #1:
Husband A: Works 60 hour weeks. Often promises to be at certain events like child's birthday, soccer games, etc. But 80% of the time he misses the event, and doesn't bother to call. Is often one or two hours late, missing meals, etc. Again doesn't call, citing work, work, work. So, he is supporting his family. But is he being faithful to his wife and family? Is this reason or grounds for divorce? Well, I suppose it depends on the family's priorities. How important his presence--and his HONESTY--is to his wife. But certainly no one hearing this story would be shocked or outraged and automatically assume that his wife should leave him immediately! Yet, throw in a drunken one-night stand with a co-worker, and automatically that IS the assumption. Suddenly the marriage is in trouble...when it wasn't three hours ago.

Example #2:
Husband B: He's a good dad. And a reasonably good husband. He holds down a good job, tries to do his share of the household chores and plays with his children when he can on the weekend. He has fun with "the boys", occasionally going to hockey games and out for a drink afterwards, and encourages his wife to do the same with her girlfriends from time to time. However, although he would be fine with his wife going out for coffee with a male colleague from work that she considers a friend and whose company she enjoys, he does not have that same freedom. His wife's old-world attitudes and jealousy prevents him from so much as having lunch with a female friend or colleague. But he does anyway. He has a close, but completely platonic friendship with a woman he met at one of the kid's soccer games, but is compelled to keep the friendship a secret because his wife would freak out if she knew he had a female friend in any capacity. Now, who is being "unfaithful" in this scenario? Certainly honesty is a huge issue in any relationship, and the fact that he's lying to her about his activities, is a breach of trust. Ah, but isn't trust exactly the issue? Is the wife not culpable to some degree for putting unreasonable expectations on her husband? For her lack of trust in him? Should he deny himself a meaningful friendship simply because the person happens to have the wrong sex organs? And to placate his wife's possessiveness? Is his wife being faithful...to him?

And why...seriously why is sex the culminating factor in any "extra marital affair." Shallow or not, you can easily have sex without emotional or personal involvement. You can have sex without ever learning the other person's name. But you can't have a "friendship" like that. And yet a platonic friendship which exists outside a marriage is far more acceptable, even encouraged--especially if it's with a same sex counterpart--than a brief, relatively anonymous sexual encounter. Why is anonymous sex more threatening to a marriage than a close--albeit platonic--friendship?

So, yes...okay...there are some arguments for putting sex on a level, or in a category all by itself. The risk of pregnancy is a huge, and very valid concern. If a member of a partnership conceives a child with someone outside that partnership, that has huge ramifications for the relationship, and understandably so. But these days there are myriad ways to avoid that development. Everything from condoms to surgery. So, if we take that factor out of the equation, what does that leave us?

The Bible. I know that's a big one, but frankly, I don't accept that argument at all. Personally, I find people use religious arguments only as it suits them. So, unless you are willing to swear that you have never read or enjoyed erotica or pornography, that you have never "spilled your seed" with the sin of masturbation, or indulged in the sin of sodomy (which, by the way includes oral sex as well as anal), that you remained a virgin until your wedding night, that adultery and homosexuality are punishable by death, and that women shouldn't be allowed to cut their hair...you have no right to bring religion into it. You either have to accept ALL the rules that the Bible lays out or none of them. You can't just personally pick and choose which sexual acts are sins and which are not. At least not in this forum. I won't accept it.

You could say that sex is a risky encounter. Certainly that is true. Regardless of how many layers of condoms you put on, there is still the risk of picking up an STD and potentially transferring it to the spouse at home. But sex isn't the only activity that involves risk. What of the man who travels to Mexico, ingests a bad glass of water, or cuts his foot on a piece of contaminated glass on the beach and brings a case of Hepatitis home for the honey? Or what of the woman who enjoys rock climbing, and habitually puts herself at risk on the faces of various cliffs and mountains? The risk is to her alone, but there are certainly implications to the family if she ends up plummeting to her death...or almost worse yet, is critically injured and ends up a paraplegic and needs perpetual care from the spouse and, perhaps, others. Simply driving on the freeway holds the same risk--perhaps more so. Does this mean we should prohibit each other from indulging in these types of activities? Is that reasonable? Of course not. So the element of risk, all on its own, is not a valid argument.

There is the "promise of fidelity," that most of us make in our marriage vows. But again, does that apply only to sexual fidelity? Certainly when you hear that someone has been "unfaithful" that is the first conclusion that we leap to. But is that correct? Or even reasonable? As I pointed out in my examples there are many ways to be faithful--or to break that faithfulness.

In my opinion there are three things that constitute faithfulness in a marriage or partnership: Honesty and Priority. And from these things follow Trust.

Being faithful to someone means being honest with them. About everything. About your feelings, your hopes, your doubts, what you want and what you don't want. But it also means making that partner your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. That does not mean that you spend every waking minute with them, or that every decision that you make, right down to what you have for lunch must involve that other person. But it does mean that each member of that partnership should know and trust that their feelings are always considered in any major decision. That they are the main focus of the other person's life--yes even above work and career and sports and yes, children. That regardless of how many outside friendships or hobbies, or whatever, that the other person has, that they will always take second-place to the life, love, feelings and expectations of the partner. However these expectations should not be unreasonable, or infringe on the other person's hopes, dreams, interests and wellbeing. And therein lies the trust. Each must trust the other to be honest and to set them as their priority...but within reason.

So, it's not simple. It is very complicated, but most wortwhile things are. It is a delicate balance, and one that all too often fails.

But my point is that sex...all on its own...should not be enough to throw it all out of wack. And if extramarital sex can be incorporated into a relationship with the full knowledge and consent of the other partner...as in the case of the threesomes or foursomes that I have been known to write about in my books, for example. Or even "open" relationships like I've heard rumour that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett entertain...then what's wrong with that?

I'm not saying I "approve" of extra-marital affairs, especially in the case of extended, long-term secret "love affairs." Or that I approve of the activities of those like Tiger Woods or Jesse James. Or even drunken one night stands. Not at all. But I am asking if one such mistake is worth throwing away a marriage over. And if there are not other issues that should be taken much more seriously.

I'm just trying to paint a bigger picture. I'm calling into question the assumption that being faithful to one another applies to sex--and only to sex. And if you strongly feel that sex is the be-all and end-all of fidelity...I challenge you to ask yourself why? Where does this perception come from? And if you figure that out...ask yourself if it's truly valid. I'd just like people to think about things from a slightly different perspective, to start considering the implications of their views and how it affects their relationships.
I have trouble believing that all that we are worth as a huband, wife, or partner, is summed up in the area between our legs.

What does fidelity mean to YOU?

Hair today....gone tomorrow....back the next day

2010-11-29T07:11:00.000-08:00

This past weekend had its ups and downs. The ups included...

a great family pizza and movie night watching the latest PREDATORS movie which was, surprisingly good considering the genre.
the satisfaction of FINALLY getting out to Zumba class on a Saturday morning. Something that the universe has been conspiring to prevent me from doing for weeks.
a very fun date night with my sweetie, which included seeing the movie BURLESQUE (fun movie with lots of hot bods) followed by an evening of pool in which I gave my hubby a sound thrashing. That does not happen often...and I thoroughloy enjoyed the feeling.

The only downs were...

that my oldest, The Wizz, didn't come home from college for the weekend.
and finding another little bald spot on my scalp. It's right above my left ear, which makes it more visible than I like.

Did you eyebrows shoot up a bit? Well, yeah...mine, too. Although it isn't nearly as traumatic as it used to be. And this is what I want to talk about today...my experience with Telogen Effluvium and Alopecia Areata.

It will be two years ago this coming January when very abruptly, and unexpectedly, I started to notice that I was losing copious amounts of hair. It felt like handfuls came out in the shower, and then while brushing out my hair. The sink was a nightmare of lost strands...and I immediately experienced a faint sense of panic. But surely it was an aberration. A one-time thing. Or merely my imagination! In a few days everything would be back to normal. Well, it wasn't. The sink continued to fill up and look like a rats nest from hell. I checked websites. How much hair loss is normal? They told me that up to 150 strands per day was considered "normal". So, just to be sure I wasn't crazy...I counted. Yes, people. That is exactly how obsessive I felt about this. I counted the hair that I shed during comb-out and came up with a shocking 350. Sometimes more.

Needless to say I saw my doctor. Only to be kindly dismissed and told this was "normal" and it would pass.

NORMAL? Were they insane? Surely they have no idea of the scope of this problem. So, when I finally discovered my first bald patch...about the size of an egg on the side of my head--and thankfully easily hidden--I called again. This time I got a slightly elevated level of concern, and a referral to a dermatologist--in 5 months. Up until that time there was nothing I could do...but wait and try to keep my sanity--and my ego--intact.

During those months I came the closest I have ever come to full-fledged depression. It was horrific. I couldn't get away from it! Everywhere I went the evidence continued to haunt me. Hair seemed to practically drip off me, and I was continually sweeping it up off the floor. I began to notice that my part was getting wider. I didn't want to go out. I cringed whenever anyone touched my head. And yes...I subscribed to female hairloss forums and websites. (It is far more common than we know) I was in the midst of checking into wig options when I came across the simple article that finally gave me hope.

This article informed me that my general hair loss was termed Telogen Effluvium, and that it afflicted up to 30% of the population at one time or another in their lives. It said that it usually resulted from some sort of physical or emotional trauma. Anything from childbirth, to a death in the family to a high fever. But that in up to 30% of cases--like mine--there was no discernible cause. What really comforted me was the simple knowledge that it usually lasts 4-6 months and that a sufferer can lose up to SEVENTY PER CENT of their hair! But that in 90% of cases...it all comes back.

The mechanics of it are simple. During this trauma or time of stress, the hair goes into a state of stasis. It simply stops growing for a time, and no new hair is generated. Suddenly, about 3 months later, everything kicks back into gear, and the hair loss that I was experiencing is actually due to the new hairs coming in underneath and pushing out all those old, dying follicles.

I was strangely uplifted. There was hope. Somehow my doctor's assurance that this was common came off as too dismissive and made me think she couldn't possibly understand the severity. This article acknowledged the severity...and yet gave me hope. I felt much better...and within less than a month after that the hair loss abruptly....stopped. I was down to shedding less than 15 hairs during and after my shower.

A month after that I started to notice all the fine new hairs coming in. There was a veritable fringe of it all the way around my head...and in the two bald spots that I had noticed. Life was good again. My ego was saved.

And then about 6 months later, as I was putting up my hair in a pony tail I noticed...ACK!....another bald spot. But...this couldn't BE! I thought it was all over! I hadn't noticed any excessive loss. What was going on?

But more reading revealed that this--Alopecia Areata--again, is a very common problem, and is probably one I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. In the last year I have had small bald spots appear...and fill in...here and there. Every new one is a small trauma, and one that I watch closely for changes, but I'm heartened by the knowledge that it will be temporary...and according to my hairdresser it is far more common than we suspect. Many women have them and don't even realize it because they are hidden far beneath their tresses.

So, that is my story. It is one that I felt it important to share, because I think far too many women deal with this pain in silence and ignorance. Yes there are cases that result in permanent and very traumatic hair loss, but those are the exception rather than the rule. While it was happening I tried to comfort myself with the fact that this was a minor problem! I was experiencing no pain, and there was no threat to my health. The only threat was to my physical appearance, and even that could easily be fixed with falls or wigs or whatever. And yet none of this comforted me. A woman's self image and ego is tied up very closely with her hair, and some of the websites I visited described this trauma as being on a level almost equivalent to experiencing a death in the family.

So, be aware and take heart. If you, or someone you know, is experiencing or has ever experienced this phenomenon, chances are good that it will be transient, and life will return to normal soon. Talk about it. Read up on it. And feel free to speak to your doctor. There are treatments for those cases that become more serious, but hopefully it won't be necessary.

And try to remember...you are worth far more than what you spend on hair care products.

The three E's: errands, enigmas and education

2010-11-18T19:12:00.000-08:00

I thoroughly enjoy taking the Enigma--my 15-year-old son--to his orthodontist appointment. Or taking him shopping for shoes. Or, like today, out to the accessory store to pick out a gift for the girl whose birthday party he's attending on the weekend. Not that I particularly like sitting in waiting rooms, or pawing through racks and racks of cheap jewelry--well okay, I do kinda like that--but the point isn't the errand or appointment itself...so much as the journey we must make to get there.

Because, invariably, these journeys involve long car rides together, with lots of empty minutes to fill as we both stare out across the asphalt that is whizzing beneath our tires. With all my sons I have found these trips to be some of the most fun and productive times for communicating and getting to know what's going on in their lives. Even more so with my at times closed, and often enigmatic, second born--ie. the Enigma.

Today we had barely gotten into the car when I heard, "So what do you wanna talk about?" My heart soared. But before we eased into the more personal topic of his friendships, frustrations and desires, we started with a slightly less personal topic--labour unions. And, surprisingly, that is what I want to talk about here today.

No, I'm not going to educate you on something I'm sure you all know about...the pros and cons of unions. Nor am I going to lament the reasons why I and many of my colleagues were heartbroken when a union vote went south at our hospital a few weeks ago...although I did talk to the Enigma about all that. What shocked me, however, about this encounter was the fact that when I mentioned the recent union vote to my son his first question was, "What's a union?"

I was, momentarily, taken aback. He'd never heard of a union? REALLY? Of course I don't begrudge for one moment the task of educating my son in matters of every day living. And I have done so repeatedly over the years. I vividly recall conversations with my children, explaining to them how a credit card works. What's the difference between a credit card and a debit card? What is a mortgage? What's the difference between that and a regular loan? Not to mention the discussions we've had about sex, sexual freedom and religion. It is my job as a parent to prepare my children for life as a responsible adult, but...isn't that also the job of the school system?

A few weeks ago I was quite chagrined to see a test that String Bean (third-born son who is 13 years old, 6 feet tall and all of 120 pounds) had brought home from literature class. He'd done very poorly on identifying all the literary devices that were illustrated in various passages. Literary devices that I, a published author, had trouble identifying. In fact, several of them, I had never heard of. At the time I was saddened to see that the school system is still bent and determined to dissect and analyze and generally suck all the life and enjoyment out of so much of literature, but now....now...my question is....

How is it that the school system has all this time to teach kids about literary devices and historical facts that teach very little if anything in the way of critical thinking, and have little or no relevance to their every day lives...and yet they have no time to teach them simple, basic skills of living in our twenty-first century society?

Certainly theoretical math is an essential skill, but so is the mechanics of debt and loan. Credit cards and mortgages. Things like what you should look for when renting an apartment or buying a condo. What about insurance? What are the pros and cons of using an insurance agent, and what are the advantages of term vs. full life insurance? What does an employer expect from a good employee? And what are your rights as an employee according to the federal and provincial laws? What are all the deductions for on your pay stub? What are all the taxes for? What does it mean to belong to a labour union? What are the advantages and disadvantages?

Certainly history is important. We can't truly understand where we are until we know where we've come from. But what about teaching kids how to look at the world around them right now!? My kids should understand the basic reasons and the political context of the war in Afghanistan. The issues at work in the Middle East. And NATO and European economies. This is current day, relevant information that is all but ignored in classrooms. And I would love to see our kids learn how to read and watch the media and understand what they're seeing.

These are basic life skills!!

My children are fortunate to have parents who take the time to discuss these things with them. Our children are free to see our pay stubs. They know what we earn and what we spend our money on. And we discuss things as they come up personally or in the news, but many many parents do NOT take the time to talk about these things. So you will often have kids graduating highschool who still don't know enough to check their pay stubs to make sure they're not getting ripped off. Or who have no idea what that "union dues" deduction is for. How our health care is paid for, and what our tax dollar gets us.

Well, okay...sometimes as an adult even I ask THAT question, but...perhaps you see my point.

In my opinion our school system is falling down on the job. Yes, they are teaching our children some valuable skills, but they're missing the boat on so many others. The thing is...now that I've pinpointed this issue what do I do about it?? Perhaps a letter to my Member of Parliament and local school board is in order.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Strap-ons and White Nights

2010-11-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I was in Toronto at a “girl’s night out” party with eight other, wild’n crazy women…in an ENORMOUS sports bar full of men. Umm…k…that fact may not be exactly relevant to this blog, but it was sure relevant to us! As it so happened my college-age son was at another party of his own in another section of Toronto. It was all spookily convenient, as I needed some company for my late-night drive home, and he wanted to attend the party, but still wanted to come home for part of the weekend. It all worked out beautifully.

So keeping that in mind that we were both in rather…uh…lubricated situations…at the midway point of the evening, I got the following text from my boy: “The guys here wanna know…if a guy likes taking it in the ass from a strap-on does that make him gay, str8, or what?

My first reaction was of incredulous hilarity…and of course I immediately shared his text with the class. lol
Our first reaction was looking for some clarification. i.e. who is wearing the strap-on? Is it a man or a woman? Of course a few minutes later we realized how ludicrous that statement was. I mean…why would a guy wear a strap-on? Right? Err…anyway… Our final response was basically that it didn’t matter. That being partial to anal play of any kind had no real bearing on the given person’s sexuality. He might be gay, might be straight, or might be bi. The strap-on thing wasn’t relevant.

But for me, that wasn’t really the point of the incident. The point was that my son was perfectly comfortable asking me that question…and he was comfortable doing so in front of his peers. For me…that was a coup! Of course it was a rather objective question…he wasn’t asking my advice on his own personal and intimate sex life…and I’m not sure I would ever expect that. However the fact that he was comfortable approaching me at all about such a thing, to me says that I have done my job well. That sex is not scary or taboo. It can be discussed openly and frankly, and with humour. And to me…that is a very healthy attitude.

For the record he told me later that one of the girls at his party declared her love for me.

I have that effect on people.

Just as an aside, the night of this party was also the night of Nuit Blanche aka White Nights in Toronto. It’s an outdoor festival of art and light that the city hosts every year…and it’s fascinating. One of these years I’ll actually take the time to experience it properly…instead of rushing past all the exhibits as I run to make the subway in time!

On Annie Hall and "praying away the gay"

2010-11-08T12:25:00.001-08:00

No...you're right. That's just weird. The two topics listed in the title of this blog entry are not, in any way related. At least…I don’t think so.

Then again…

Okay...if you tried really hard you could find a link in the pathetic one-line reference in the movie to the possibility of Annie Hall being a lesbian. I found it to be one of the few surprising, and somewhat provocative—even if somewhat irritating—moments in the movie, by the way. The only other really good line being, in my opinion, when Jeff Goldblum's character, at a typically pompous self-important LA party, laments to his therapist over the phone that, "I've forgotten my mantra." Now THAT’s funny! (hence the picture) But...perhaps I'm digressing a bit.

Where was I?

Oh yes…Annie Hall. As you may have guessed already, I did not exactly fall in love with this movie. Contrary to popular opinion, apparently, I am one of the approximate 10% minority who thinks this movie was a total waste of time. Now, I went into it with a good attitude. Really I did! I’ve seen Woody Allen’s Sleeper a couple of times, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I found it to be cute and quirky, and even a reasonable commentary on some of our attitudes toward sex (wouldn’t you love an orgasmatron in your living room?) and social classes, and I found Allen’s self-deprecating style to be a good match with Keaton’s portrayal of a ditzy, futuristic social-rebel wannabe.

I’d heard good things about Annie Hall, and fully expected to enjoy it. So, as is my habit when I’m working night shifts at the hospital, and find myself with a lot of time on my hands (time which, I admit, would be better spent writing, but I find it really hard to concentrate at 3 a.m.) I take some old movies and a portable DVD player to help pass the time. Usually this helps the night to fly by! This time, however, if anything, it made the shift seem hours longer than its usual 8 hours. If I hadn’t been desperate for entertainment and had nothing else to do, I probably would have shut it off by the halfway point. I did, however, manage to finish. Barely.

I just didn’t get it. No…I got the humour. I got the jokes, and I certainly got the fact that Allen finds himself to be incredibly witty, relevant and hilarious….the trouble is, I didn’t. I found his character to be mildly detestable! And the same goes for his girlfriend, Annie Hall. Keaton portrayed the same “lovable” ditzy character from Sleeper, all over again….except without the goofy, amusing plot to help it along. Allen’s character was a self-deprecating, morbid, self-important psycho-analyst’s dream, who found an insipid sounding board for his inane banter in the form of Annie Hall. There wasn’t even any particularly witty dialogue…most of it was one-sided….more like a monologue, performed for an audience of one…that audience being Annie Hall. As one other reviewer remarked, she was a culmination of every bad stereotype of air-headed women in relationships.

One of those stereotypes being her reference to giving up on relationships with men and turning to women. An old take on an older idea that women, in particular, are capable of—and prone to—changing their sexual orientation to suit their mood. I won’t even comment on the ludicrousness of that statement….other than to draw your attention to yet another illustration of this common—and ignorant—misconception.

Find the article here: “Praying away the gay.”

Yes, there are still right-wing religious retards out there who are trying to “cure” homosexuals of those pesky, unwanted, send-me-to-hell-type god-given desires….all the while preaching tolerance for these poor misfits of the spiritual world. Does anybody else see the problem here? We love you…even though you are, by very nature, an abomination to God. Is it any wonder some of these poor souls are sucked into the church’s manic need for conformity…and control?

So let me put it bluntly.

Homosexuality is not a “disease.” It cannot be “cured” and certainly not by any means deemed “scientific” by any reasonably rational human being. If you truly are a person—or a Christian—who believes in tolerance and loving your neighbour, and letting God be the one to decide whether a person is worthy of his redemption…then I suggest you leave the gays THE FUCK ALONE!!

They won’t contaminate you with their gay-germs if they happen to be sitting beside you on the prayer bench. The won’t recruit or sodomize your children. And in all likelihood, they’re probably some of the most sincere, and honestly kind and generous people in your diocese…or parish…or whatever the hell label is in vogue for your little clique this month. Mind you why anyone would want to hang around with a bunch of people who look on you with disdain and pity because they’re convinced you’ll never qualify be their neighbours in their exclusive little Executive Condo in the sky…is beyond me. However, if they do seek solace and spiritual comfort in such a setting then they deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Leave the bedroom in the bedroom…and let God worry about who’s stickin’ what in where and into whom. Why do you care?

And frankly….why does He?

Burqa bashing (aka the anti-PRIDE!)

2010-07-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

Today on the way in to work I happened across a lovely young family. Well...the husband and children seemed healthy and happy, as to the woman however it was difficult to tell since all I could see were her eyes. She sported a very attractive and form-flattering...er...not so much...burqua, while her husband and children were decked out in t-shirts, jeans and shorts. The weather today, by the way, topped out at over 40 degrees celsius with the humidex. I can scarcely imagine the sauna that woman experienced every time she walked outside. However, her physical discomfort was the least of my reasons for becoming instantly upset.

When I walked in to work I shared my frustration with my colleagues, saying how just the sight of a woman in a burqa is enough to make my blood boil. I didn't feel I had to expand on my reasons, however when one young colleague commented, "What gives you the right to judge them? It's their culture," my defense mechanisms kicked in. My initial knee-jerk reaction was, that "I can judge them if I damn well please. And it being their "culture" is no justification nor excuse for such mysogyny." I said that the burqa is inherently mysogynistic, and, since I really prefer not to get into this kind of debate at work with someone that I really do like and respect...I left it at that. And so did she.

However, that little exchange continued to nag at me. Arguments and justifications continued to ramble through my brain. Things I would have liked to have said. Things like:
"Is culture a valid reason for accepting female genital mutilation? For a woman having to spend her life peeing through a hole the approximate diameter of a toothpick?"
"Does culture give the Chinese license to abandon or kill their infant daughters because they really want a boy?
"Was culture a valid reason for apartheid in South Africa and the overt oppression and subjugation of the blacks?"
"Was culture a reason to accept slavery in the American south?"

And that's when it hit me. That is exactly the reason that culture is NO excuse to accept such injustices, and that's because SLAVERY is exactly what we're talking about here. Some may argue that these women are making a choice to follow their religion and its traditions. But whether that's true or not, the simple fact is that the vast majority of women are not free to make the alternate choice. Can a woman in Saudi Arabia decide on a particularly hot day that she would prefer to not wear the burqua? That she would like to go shopping without her husband for a change? Drive a car? Go to school? NO! The consequences of such a decision would be almost certain physical abuse and possible death.

How about that woman that I saw--here in Canada? Could she turn around and say to her husband that she has decided the burqa is no longer for her? That she would really like to wear a bikini to the beach tomorrow. She would likely not face execution, but I suspect the ramifications would be almost as dire, and she would certainly lose access to everything that she loves.

And what of the teenage girls in the United States, who tried to put some distance between themselves and their parents' traditions, by going out with their friends and behaving like the other teenagers that they knew? Who enjoyed spending time with boys and not wearing their burqa? Those girls that ended up strangled at the hands of the fathers who had raised and professed to love them?

This is no "choice". This is SLAVERY! There is no other word for it. Certainly there are cultures that live very strange and even somewhat annoying lifestyles. The Amish whose buggies tie up traffic on the roads in my region. The Mormons who still practice polygamy. Or the Jehovah's Witnesses who refuse to celebrate holidays like their neighbours. These are curiosities, certainly. And in some cases I would seriously question their choices, since they're not made on accurate information and education, but rather on a lack of information and blind faith. However, I will defend very vocally their right to make these choices, because they can walk AWAY from these situations at any time of their choosing. Because while some of them may face significant emotional consequences like alienation from beloved family members, I do not believe that any of them face bodily or mortal harm for such a decision. This is the crux of slavery.--enforced subjugation of one group by another, without recourse or means of escape.

And where else in the world do we tolerate slavery these days? Nowhere.

There are a scant few women in the world who choose to wear the burqa because this is truly an educated and well-informed choice. However, I believe such a choice is an affront and an insult to the THOUSANDS of women for whom the burqa is a souce and symbol of oppression and a license for physical abuse. To choose to wear it is akin to taking up a placard and declaring your allegiance to mysogyny and exploitation.

The burqa is tolerated under the guise of religious and cultural tolerance. But I would counter that to accept the burqa under the auspices of "cultural tolerance" is merely a mask for apathy, ignorance and indifference.

For any who are interested I would highly recommend reading INFIDEL by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. It is a provocative and moving account of one woman's battle against and eventual escape from the tyranny of the burqa. She now lives in hiding and in constand fear of her life in the USA.

Full of PRIDE

2010-07-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

On Sunday July 4th (Happy Independence Day to all my American friends and fans!!) I attended the 30th Annual Toronto Gay Pride Parade! It was my second time to attend the mammoth event, but it is always surprising and full of eye-popping and heart warming images, some of which I'm sharing with you here today.

But first a few interesting statistics about Toronto Pride:
Toronto Pride is now the largest Gay Pride Parade in the world! This statistic being based on the number and variety of entries in the parade, parade route, length and number of attendees. This parade now attracts approximately 4 MILLION visitors and is just a small part of the enormous event that is Pride Week. There are concerts, family activities, vendors and other parades too numerous to mention.

What I find so exciting about the parade, and what stokes my own pride in my home country, is the sheer variety of entries. Not only are there gay clubs, AIDS hospices, and fetish fairs and stores represented, but EVERY major political party had a presence. There were several big name banks (Toronto Dominion being an enormous presence) and even the military takes part in the parade and also has a recruiting booth. The police are not only very busy and visible during pride week and in the parade, but their excitement and commitment to the project is displayed prominently by the rainbow buttons and beads that many of them choose to wear. And yes, as you will see, even many churches participate!

But the other thing that really strikes me about the parade and the week in general, is how free people are to be themselves. It is common place to see men or women holding hands or kissing each other affectionately on the street. To me, the crazy get-ups and eye-popping outfits, while they're all part and parcel of the theme of being yourself and being proud of it, come in a distant second to this simple display of freedom and acceptance. If only it could be so all year round.

And now...the pics:

The crowd along Yonge St. is just starting to build.

My "Pride Buddy" and me. In order to be sure to get a spot right at the barrier, we took our spot an hour ahead of the 2:00 start time. Even so, we had to jostle a bit to get in!

Rainbow coloured confetti is thrown from the roof tops.

Good Handy's provided the parade marshall for the day. Good Handy's is "Toronto's Pansexual Playground," and a spot that I'm not sure even I would brave to set foot in!

A lot of very short shorts along the parade route. As well as a lot of very HIGH boots!

A LOT of bare bums and harnesses.

Struck by the variety of body types that flaunted their stuff without any sign of self consciousness. That's what Pride is all about, after all.

The "Fag Bug". Visit http://www.fagbug.com/ and see what it's all about.

Some really amazing gowns. Not sure I'd wear them to the Christmas party but still....

The Totally Naked Toronto (TNT) men were a rather....er....vivid presence.

Not a traditional uniform, and I'm sure the majority of police are grateful.

Just a couple guys holding hands.

This costume was made entirely of plastic packing material. I can only imagine how hot it was.

Humidex hit 40C today.

It's that alien chick (well in this case that isn't exactly accurate-can you see the dangly bits?) from Empire Strikes Back!

I have no idea what the significance of the bubble was.

A variety of fruit were represented.

More guys holding hands. A lot of funky wigs, as well.

Just a really cool costume.

Just some really hot guys.

Yes, there were a number of children in the parade.

The clergy shared space with....

the kinky.

This was a new fetish for me. Gas masks that control air flow.

Funky!

Throughout the parade there were these signs denoting various moments in Gay Pride history.

The Trojan Guys.

So, all in all a good time! Albeit a tad long. Longest parade in history, clocking in at a whopping THREE-AND-A-HALF hours! We didn't stick it out quite to the end. I think that's a lot to ask of anyone standing in one place. lol

Sexy quote of the week - June 27

2010-06-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. ~Woody Allen

The breast defense!

2010-06-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

It's well...a good pair of breasts, apparently! Actually they don't even have to be "good". They just have to be bared for the world to see. It's amazing what one can accomplish with a pair of bare nipples and a hearty dose of chutspah! As is evidenced by this story from a Toronto news service: Bare Breasts vs. Neighbour's ATV.

In a nutshell a Kingston area (Southern Ontario) woman got so fed up with the noise incurred by the ENDLESS hours that her neighbours' five-year-old grandson spent driving his ATV up and down her quiet suburban street....that she took matters into her own bra...and walked out her front door topless. The grandparents were so horrified by the vision of a pair of bare areolas that they immediately hauled their grandson inside out of sight of the lethal apparatus. Lest his childhood innocence be marred and forever lost in the face of such visual brutality. If you think I sound a tad unsympathetic to the grandparents plight...well...you'd be absolutely right. Having dealt with inconsiderate, noisy, pot-smoking, muscle-car-engine-revving-at-2 a.m. neighbours in the past I am in total sympathy with the woman's plight. In fact if I had thought walking outside with my shirt off would have saved me the $700 it cost to get a survey that forced our neighbour to move his fence back onto his OWN property...I most certainly would have done so! Unfortunately I don't think that would have addressed the problem, however I have to applaude the woman for her creative problem-solving! And goddamnit....I'm so glad to live in a country where bare boobs are a protected human right!

Now there is one very telling aspect to this story...one line that bothers me and that really sums up the problem with the entire situation. It's a quote from the police officer who was called to the scene. And I quote: "It isn't right to go around topless in front of kids." And that brings to mind the question...Why??

What is it about breasts that is so damaging to young minds? Now, I confess....I am hesitant to go topless in front of my teenage boys. However, in my defense I only discovered a more...enlightened sense of sexuality and the confidence to go topless ANYWHERE in the last 6-7 years. Previous to that I was quite repressed and busily working through my own sexual issues. So to suddenly expose my boys to seeing their mother's breasts now after so many years of maternal modesty...and especially as teenagers....does seem a tad over the top. Even for me. HOWEVER...over the last number of years, during our countless hours of movie-watching as a family I have rigorously enforced my view that there is nothing wrong with the female form and that just seeing a pair of breasts is no threat to their moral fiber. Basically that means that any bare breasts that flash across the screen are free to do so unhindered....and without comment from me. It is part of life and, more importantly, part of being human. Same goes for shots of bare asses of both the male or female persuasion. And even the far-too-rare full-frontal penis-shot. I refuse to cringe at my children's being exposed to evidence that there are other men out there with penises...just like theirs.

What is it about breasts (and penises, btw) that makes them so threatening? I would propose that it is the very fact that they are hidden. The sense of forbiddenness merely adds to their mystery and the titillation potential is enhanced. Was it not barely a hundred years ago that sight of a woman's ankle was cause for gasps and hauling out the epsom salts? Let alone the moral downfall of respectable man?

Strange how as the skirts got shorter, the ankles, knees and even thighs somehow lost their ability to corrupt. I would propose the same to be true of breasts. Strike that. Nipples, as in reality (and as I've discussed before) that is really what the controversy boils down to. I would contend that the sight of a bare nipple is not enough to send anyone to a life of moral depravity (what does that mean, btw??) and crime. And that teaching our children to be considerate of others is a far more important lesson than teaching them how to cover their eyes when a woman loses her bikini top in the surf. And I deeply believe that the younger we start teaching children that lesson--along with the lesson that there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to the human body--the better.

By the bi....part deux

2010-06-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

I'd like to introduce, Brian. Brian is a reader and fan who found me through my stories and very kindly offered to share some of his experiences as an exploring bisexual male.

Brian, you've told me that you began the exploration of your bisexuality later in life. How old were you when you had your first experience with a man?
I began to tentatively explore my desires for men in my early twenties. While still in university, I visited men's steam baths several times. Inexperienced, I was approached by men, but it did not go any further than being manually fondled. It was not until years later, in my early 30's did I have my first complete sexual experience with a man, again at a steam bath.
Although this encounter took place over 20 years ago, I recall it like it happened yesterday. I awoke very early on a hot, sultry summer morning. I became aware of my raging hard-on that was aching for attention. I felt the hard shaft and the hunger within. I knew that this was a need that could not be satisfied by a pussy. It was if my cock had a mind of it's own and I was following it's agenda. It was time and I was ready. I slipped on a tight, black spandex G-string, which barely contained my growing lust and left my apartment.
I arrived downtown, shortly, and entered the steam bath. The sign said "Men Only" and remember my cock twitched delightfully. I got a room and towel and stripped down. I felt very sexual, alive and was very much a man on a mission. I knew what I wanted and I was here to get it.
I finally saw him. He was older, probably 10-15 years my senior, about my height with a slim body and I wanted him. I just knew he was a man that would meet my needs and I confidently ushered him into my room. I do not remember what I said, if anything. Certainly little was said as words were not required. My confidence and direct attitude I believed conveyed to him my desires. He was responding to my masculinity. We were on the same wavelength and nature was taking it's inevitable course. I pulled the towel that he was wearing around his waist and pushed him onto my bed where I caressed his nipples with my hands. The blood rushed into my cock giving me a hard, strong erection. I used my hand to spread his legs as I prepared to enter my first man. I slid into him easily, like a hot knife into butter, and beautifully. As I gently, but firmly pushed into him I felt him open up to me, an incredible feeling of his desire to please me and give me what I wanted. The the full length of my engorged cock was now buried inside of him and I began to fuck him slowly and rhythmically. I was just seconds away from what was to be the most intense and satisfying orgasm I had experienced. I wanted to savour the moment, commit it to memory where it would be burned into my brain. I exploded into him filling him with every drop of semen that my body had produced. I never felt so sexual, so masculine so potent. I had penetrated a man and planted my seed in him. Mating with him was not only sexually very satisfying, but also psychologically fulfilling. I felt complete and believed I was on the path to realizing my full potential as a man.

Initially, I cannot recall when I develped an interest/attraction to male"s. I think it had to do with wanting to express my masculinity and sexuality without the social contraints/requirements of meeting, dating and so on. I think the catalyst was experiencing my sexuality on a animalistic level. I see, I want, I take approach.
My first full sexual experience was fuelled by pure lust. I wanted to have a man underneath me, penetrate him and plant my seed inside of him. The experience was incredibly intense and fulfilling. Mating with a man was for me the ultimate act in expressing my masculinity and sexuality.

Do you still enjoy women as much as ever, or have your experiences with men affected those desires at all?
Yes, I adore women and love to please them. If anything my experiences with men have made me a more passionate, sensual lover. I believe all our sexual experiences make us the person/lover that we are. Any positive sexual experience is enhancing and affirming. I do, however, have needs that only a man can satisfy.

Have you experienced a threesome with a male/female couple yet? If so, was it a positive experience? What did you like about it? Dislike?
I have been in a threesome two times with a m/f couple. Absolutely it was positive experience. The first time, it was at a swingers club in Boca Raton, Florida, many years ago. I saw a mature, older, tall, slender and busty woman accompanied by a much older gentleman. In the whirlpool I approached her directly and introduced myself. She put me off by saying something like maybe I could see her later. I don't recall exactly what or how she rebuffed me. I went to lie down in the sun and within minutes her husband asked me if I wanted to join them. I was not interested in him, but I was aching for her. He massaged her breasts, while I worked on her pussy, exploring her with my fingers. After some time, she said she needed a break and they left. She did come back and as my hand slipped into her I felt a wetness I have never experienced before. It was like she was melting inside from the raging desire in her pussy.

No regrets, if I was not going to have her, it would not be for not trying. It was a real turn-on her coming for me and massaging her with her husband. Her leaving to consider if she wanted to proceed and then coming back confirming her interest really aroused me. The tease factor, having to wait and the realization that my patience paid off when she laid down again and she opened up to me completely. I loved fucking her while her husband watched.

My second experience was about 5 years or so ago in Toronto. I had answered an ad in a swinger's magazine from a dominant bisexual, mature couple. They were from out of town and we met at a hotel in downtown Toronto. After going down on the woman briefly, her husband took me away from her and began to passionately suck me. I responded strongly to his mouth and was hard for him. His wife took over for a short time only. I did not say anything, but preferred her husband's attentions. I came very close to climaxing for him, but I could not get over the edge. It is often difficult the first time with someone new. I spent some time passionately kissing his wife which I enjoyed very much.
As I was relaxing on my stomach, without a word, her husband lay on top of me and knowing what he desired, I opened my self for him. He pushed his cock-head into me, but being very tight and inexperienced (and without the benefit of preparation and lubrication) I was unable to receive his shaft. I do remember his wife lying beside us and whispering to me, "he's the best." Reflecting on that and his desire to penetrate me is very exciting. This is what I am currently seeking/craving to experience. This encounter clarified for me my deepest desires. Unlike the previous threesome, most of the interaction was with the man. To-day I am only interested in couples where the man is bisexual and an alpha male only, not a switch.

Do you feel comfortable "coming out" with these tendencies to more "vanilla" friends and family? If not, what are the attitudes that discourage you from doing so?
I have no desire to come out, as it were, to family or friends etc. Being bisexual to me is about desires and is not akin to pretending to be straight when one is gay. I am true to who I am, and that is what is important.
When I was in my 30's I had a sexual relationship with a woman. I revealed to her my bisexual desires. She was very supportive. She did not feel threatened or insecure about my needs for men. She encouraged me and asked about my adventures. She did not ask to be included or watch, nor did I offer this to her. Looking back her approval was very important to my evolving sexually. If she had been negative in her reaction, I am sure this would have had some negative impact on me.

What if you found yourself in a satisfying triad-style relationship with a man and a woman...would this be a long-term commitment that you would consider making?
Nikki, as you know I have been approached by a woman to serve her husband and her sexually. We have exchanged some information, pictures and discussed our desires. We seem well-matched and I believe there is a potential for chemistry. We need to meet to see if there and progress from there. My heartfelt desire is to serve a mature, confident couple who are libidinous, passionate, sensual and clear about their desires/needs. It takes some time and effort to create/achieve this type of dynamic. I would not use the word commitment, but an ongoing/evolving situation.
Her husband is an ALPHA MALE who she wants to see pleasured by another man. This is what I have been craving now for some time. To experience a man's passion, potency and virility. I would hope that this would be ongoing, so we could continue to explore our sexual desires. I have needs beyond orally servicing a man. I want to experience real intimacy and male bonding. I think it is natural over time as people become more comfortable with each other that inhibitions are shed opening the door to unexplored desires.

I want to be pursued by a married ALPHA MALE, with his wife's blessing, to be seduced and bedded by him. I want to be lusted after by him and to be desired by him. To know that he is aching and dripping to get into me would boil my brain.

Thank you so much, Brian, for these insightful and compelling answers! It is fascinating to me to have a glimpse into the experiences of a man who is, in a very real way, living some of the stories that I have been writing. Thank you for sharing.

In the cut

2010-06-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am the proud mother of three boys. Actually...judging from the results of our measuring session this morning and the fact that our 13-year-old has now slightly surpassed his older brother and is now pushing the six-foot envelope...I am the mother to three young MEN! And as they approach official manhood and have to face all the challenges that such a status entails, I am once again grateful for the decision that my hubby and I made upon their birth.

I am speaking of the controversial question: To cut or not to cut?

For us the question was a relatively simple one. Not only was my husband circumcized, so there was the factor of not wanting the boys to look "different" from the dad. But also, thanks to my work at the hospital which had shown me that there was a startling number of full grown men coming through for circumcisions later in life, I just felt that good routine hygiene notwithstanding, it was the safer option and would just mean that my boys had one less HEADache to worry about. (Head. Get it? You smirked. Admit it.) So, at the time--more than 18 years ago now since our first was born--the decision was based more on simple practicality than on esthetics. And certainly the notion of social pressure and sexuality never entered into it. I mean who thinks about their 6 pound, 4-day-old son eventually facing the scrutinizing stare of a potential sexual partner!?

But now...considering what I know of the sexual socialization of our North American society, I am doubly grateful that my boys will not be faced with the label of being "uncut." I know that the sexual experts would likely disagree. They would say that medically there is no reason for the procedure. That it is unnatural. That it causes a decrease of sensitivity, and is an antiquated custom. This is all true, I am sure. With modern hygiene customs there is no reason that an uncircumcized man can't be as well-groomed, clean and attractive as his counterpart. However, the simple truth seems to be that public perception is different.

A few months back I overheard a conversation between a couple of women whom I work with. These two women are mothers of young sons. They were arguing with another young woman who is of dating age, and who was trying to explain to them why she vastly preferred to date circumcized men--and that she was not alone in this attitude. But these women who had chosen not to circumcize their boys were having a hard time accepting her arguments.

I joined the discussion and reinforced what the younger woman was saying. She is not alone in these attitudes. I know of many single women who have told me that they are very hesitant to be with an uncut man. They tell me that they've had bad experiences in the past. That yeast infections seem to follow such encounters, and that too many uncut men do not seem to have the knack of keeping themselves properly groomed. There is also the simple factor of esthetics. Right or wrong, we've become accustomed to the sight of the circumcized penis, and deviations from that "norm" may cause some hesitation in potential partners.

So, whether this convention is right or wrong is not the issue. Should we take strides to change it? Personally...considering my experience with medical issues like infections and unretracted foreskins, I'm not convinced that it is medically unwarranted. If I felt that it was harmful in some way, either medically or to men's self esteem--such as the attitudes towards women and their weight, then I would feel very differently. However, I don't. I think it's a procedure that, while not exactly necessary, has numerous benefits, and parents should consider it as such.

Many years ago my sister-in-law had a son and was planning on circumcizing him, but a meddling and opinionated doctor accused her of wanting to "mutilate" her child and eventually talked her out of it. She regretted that decision numerous times in the years since, but of course later in life the decision becomes much more daunting. Frankly I think that doctor should have to endure a Jewish bris sans anesthetic for using such strong-arm tactics!

The choice should be made by loving parents who have their child's best interests at heart and have all the information they need to make an educated decision. And social convention is not a factor to be dismissed out of hand. Just ask any teenage boy who is dropping his drawers in front of a girl for the first time!

Familiarity breeds...comfort.

2010-06-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I came to bed very late. After working a busy 3-11 evening shift I always take a little time to wind down, read a few e-mails, play some Bejewelled and, of course, have a small bowl of my favorite cereal. (Cereal is my all-time favorite comfort food. With a dash of nice cold milk...and maybe some fresh peaches.... Mmmmm....) Anyway...I digress...

Needless to say it was close to one o'clock by the time I got all that essential stuff done and managed to crawl into bed beside my softly snoring honey. He was lying on his left side, and since I always sleep on the right side of the bed (This dates back to our first apartment when the right side of the bed was closest to the washroom. Somehow washroomn positions changed, but my spot on the bed never did. In fact...come to think of it...in every place we've had since I've been farthest from the bathroom! Hmmm...) Anyway...I digress...

Since I always sleep on the left side of the bed and he always insists that I am to snuggle up to him when I come to bed, even if it risks waking him, I did just that. The thing was, just as I was snuggling up, I realized I needed to take off my earrings and turned over to lay them on the bedside table. When I turned back to the honey...I had to chuckle because his right arm was hovering in the air. Why? you may ask? Because he had sensed me get into bed and had raised his arm in anticipation of my arm slipping under his in our usual, and very familiar, spoony position. I finally snuggled into position with my arm around his waist, his arm draped over mine and our fingers entwined... and I don't think he ever quite woke up.

I love that position. Whether it's my front to his back or vice versa, with his arm wrapped so strong around my waist, there is no better way to snuggle down under the covers and feel safe and warm and completely comfortable and at ease.

There are a lot of things in my life that are routine, predictable and, yes, very comfortable. Things like pizza and movie night with the boys on Fridays. Sitting down to dinner at 6:30, the moment Dad gets home from work. Cereal for breakfast. And sex with the same man for the past 22 years.

Sure things get changed up every once in a while. Variables occasionally come into play...things like vacations, work schedules, bacon and handcuffs. These things are good for variety and to add spice, but in a way they also help us to appreciate the return to the comfortable--the familiar.

There's nothing wrong with having dinner with your family at the same time most nights. And there's nothing wrong with sex with your lover becoming a tad routine. A tad...familiar. Familiarity doesn't necessarily equate with boring. Familiar can also mean that you know what you're doing. You know what works and what doesn't. When your partner's mood is not conducive to long foreplay...and when it is. When to skip the usual oral and go directly to fucking! It's like a waltz...a series of steps and moves, dips and swings, that you've learned so well together over the years that it becomes second nature. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I've never really understood the old "familiarity breeds contempt" addage. It only breeds contempt if you're living in misery, if you don't like your partner in the first place. If you've picked the wrong music and don't know how to waltz.

I love to get down and boogie just as much as the next gal...but the waltz is definitely more enduring and more elegant...and I plan to keep doing it for many more years to come.

Great Expectations

2010-05-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days I've had a lot of conversations about labels. There are so many kinds of labels. There's the washing instructions that tell me not to dryclean my clothes. (Silly people. As if I needed to be TOLD not to waste my money). Then there's the label on my pillow that is illegal to remove. (Can you hear the RRRRIIIIPPPing sound as I take those instructions to heart?). Then there's those cruel sizing labels on my jeans. Labels that try to convince me my waist has expanded, when I KNOW that to be a lie. There are warning and instruction labels. All of which provide us with essential, valuable information. But no...none of these are the labels that my conversations have revolved around.

It all started with an acquaintance at work very earnestly asking my opinion on some relationship labels. Seeing someone vs. dating someone. Friendship with benefits vs. buddies... or even "Fuck buddies." Despite the fact that I have been out of the dating circuit for...well...actually I never really WAS in the dating circuit, she was adamant that I'm one "in the know" and I should have some ideas on the subject. Never one to NOT have ideas, I had to concur with that evaluation...and I shared my thoughts with her...such as they were.

Actually, the definitions that we came up with aren't really all that important. But what I did find fascinating was the realization that what these labels are....the function they serve...is really all about another nasty word: EXPECTATIONS. Good or not...positive or not...each of these labels conjures up a set of expectations for each of the parties involved. Everything from how many times a week do I call or text this person? To how many times a week do we fuck? To whether or not you're allowed to "see" or "date" other people. The trick, of course, is to make sure that these sets of expectations match. That one person's definition of "dating" and all it entails is essentialy the same as their partner's definition. Because if those two definitions differ, hence the expectations differ, you're in for a shit load of trouble.

So, in this way, labels can be a very dangerous thing. I mean who among us wants to get tagged with labels like "nerd" or "blonde" or "slut." Labels tend to lead to assumptions about people and we like to attach all the characteristics that go along with a particular label to the person or, of course, relationship, in question. and assumptions are almost always a bad idea. In relationships, more so than any other facet of life, communication and clarity of expectations is paramount for any relationship to continue successfully.

Now I had a friend at one time who was very big on keeping our friendship casual. He wanted a friendship with, and I quote, "No expectations." I basically told him that this notion was BULLSHIT. There is no such thing as a friendship or any relationship for that matter, with NO expectations. Even the idea of having no expectations...is an expectation! Whether it's the expectation that you call that person all the time or that you never call them... Whether it's the expectation that you get together for coffee once a month, or the simple expectation that you pick up the phone when the other person calls.... Insignificant or not, each of these are expectations. And when expectations are not met it always, always leads to conflict, often heartache. And possibly the use of automatic weapons. Essentially, a relationship without expectations...is not a relationship.

So, having said that I would put it to you that labels, while generally unavoidable and somewhat dangerous, are also a necessary evil, and perhaps we should see them as a good starting point. Personally, I'm in favour of taking on my labels and, rather than denying the images that they illicit...working towards changing them.

Think of the word "gay" for example. Thirty years ago that word brought up very different images and reactions than it does today. At least for a significant portion of the population. It took a lot of work on the part of the gay community to change that, and I'm really not sure that simply avoiding the use of the term i.e. the label, would have gotten them there any sooner. What abour words like Muslim, atheist, bisexual, submissive, masochistic. How about fuck vs. sex vs. making love? Sodomy vs. anal sex? The list of labels, and the list of characteristics and perceptions that we attach to these labels is endless.

I guess my ultimate point is to use labels cautiously, always be clear on what that label means, be open to new ideas and new definitions, and always, always be clear on the expectations that go along with them.

Relevant or not, I just have to end with this line that I heard in a movie this week:
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay.

Maybe they should've defined foreplay a little more clearly!!

By the Bi...

2010-05-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

In honour of the impending release of my new M/M/F story, Triple Knot, I thought it was a good time to look a little more deeply into the male bisexual experience. An acquaintance of mine was kind enough to agree to answer some....basic questions about his personal experiences with his sexual orientation.

Meet Paul....a 40-something year old male who has, taken what the world has to offer and lapped it up. Sometimes...literally! If this interview sparks any comments, or further questions...please don't hesitate to ask. Paul is quite open to continuing the dialogue.
(Warning: Some answers are quite graphic. Rather like something you'd find in an erotica novel. ;-)

Here goes....

1. Paul, did you always know you were attracted to men as well as women? If not, how old were you when you first came to the realization that you were attracted to men?

My case is special: When I was barely 12, I began having erections. And, um, they were big. No, I'm not bragging. I'm a true 8". But on a 12-year-old, an 8" erection is HUGE . And the 2nd or 3rd time I had one - still being a child - I did what all children do with something new: I put it in my mouth. Now don't ask me why I did that (why does any kid put anything in his mouth??), I just did. And about 10 seconds later I discovered something else new: ejaculation. Right down my throat. It tasted funny but it felt great!! --Wow! Seriously?? I gotta wonder how many men are...er...flexible enough to be able to do this! I think I feel a poll question coming on! This is truly fascinating.

At the time, I didn't even realize that would be considered "sex" because I had no clue what sex was. I just knew it felt great when I did it. So I did it a lot. I didn't tell anyone, not because I was ashamed, or knew it was wrong, but because it felt so good. Anything else I did that was fun, someone - parents, teacher, babysitter - would tell me to stop. I was afraid someone would tell me to stop putting my cock in my mouth. --Yeah...isn't that the way? Everything fun is bad. This question has come up on this blog before. The idea that denying yourself pleasure makes a person somehow more responsible. Righteous. Holy even. It is a huge issue that gnaws ag me...and bears a lot more dialogue than I have time for here.

Before anyone explained what sex was to me, I remember being fascinated with crotches. Girl's crotches in tight jeans (very in style then). Then I noticed that when boys wore tight jeans, their crotches looked different. In an interesting way. I knew, in a vague kind of way, that all boys had penises, and that girls didn't. But I didn't understand why other boy's penises looked so small compared to mine. I also knew, in a similarly vague way, that you put your penis in a girl - but I couldn't figure out where you put it. In her belly button? If so, could you put it in a boy's belly button too? And why would you do such a thing anyway? So many questions....
--Yeah...my mom told me about sex but she told me that the man "went to the bathroom" inside the woman's vagina. Put me off the whole idea for YEARS! Gotta wonder which is worse...NO information? Or semi-neurotic misinformation?

Now here's the thing: I was putting my cock in my mouth 2 or 3 times a day. Why not? But it simply never occurred to me that you could put another guy's cock in your mouth too. Why would it? I also simply didn't realize that not every guy could put his cock in his mouth. I assumed all guys could. Again, why would I think otherwise? And if you could, well, why the hell wouldn't you?? So the first time I heard other boys (13 years old?) talk about "cocksucking" derisively, I thought "what the hell is wrong with them - cocksucking is fun!!" How could anything that felt so good be wrong?? But since they all seemed to think it was the worst thing a guy could do, I kept my pleasures to myself. But I started to think that maybe I could show them how much fun it really was... And so I began to think about sucking other boys' cocks - all in the name of teaching them, you understand. I think at the time, I thought that it would feel just as good as sucking your own... (Hmmm...here's a question for future reference...Who is generally better at giving men oral? Men or women?)

2. Once you came to the realization, did you experience any hesitation or fear over acting on these desires? And if so, why? And was there a specific event or catalyst that caused you to overcome your hesitations and take that first step?

Of course - as described above, guys seemed to think cocksucking was dirty and disgusting. So for all that I imagined showing them how much fun it was, it didn't happen until I was much, much older (and had a whole different understanding). Yeah...strange how cock-sucking by a female is all sweetness and light, but switch genders and suddenly the very fabric of society is threatened.

Was there a specific event or catalyst that finally caused it to happen? If there was, it was just the last of my own inhibitions falling away. That, and an incredible first experience that guaranteed there'd be more.

3. Do you still enjoy women as much as ever, or have your experiences with men affected those desires at all?

Absolutely! Sex with a woman is entirely different than sex with another guy - at least to me. For me, there's almost always some emotional tenderness with a woman, and almost never with a guy. Almost.

If anything, having sex with guys has taught me a lot about having sex with women. Just noticing the differences gives you the ability to exploit them for your partner's pleasure.

4. Have you experienced a threesome with a male/female couple yet? If so, was it a positive experience? What did you like about it? Anything you disliked?

Yes, and it was great, every single time it happened. I'll never forget the first time I saw the look on a girl's face as I made her husband cry in pleasure as he came again and again from the firm-but-gentle butt-fucking I was giving him. She knew that I was giving him something she never could, and she was ecstatic and terrified all at once. I stopped, went to the bathroom and noisely cleaned myself. When I went back in, she was kneeling beside him asking him if he was OK, to which he was whimpering "Oh, yes, oh, God, yes" She then wanted to suck me, but I gently pushed her to one side and made her husband suck my cock right in front of her face. Once again, her eyes went wide as she watched how eagerly he slurped on me. Then I lifted her onto the bed right beside him and eased my wet cock into her. I held her close in my arms and thanked her for letting me bust her husband's cherry.
A few minutes after that, some careful poking at her G-spot had the desired effect, and she came very hard, holding on to me. Then I got out and told her husband to get in. I got on the floor between their legs, and after a few minutes of him stroking her, I leaned in and licked his balls. He came with a scream, and so did she. Then, as they lay in each other's arms, I lay down beside them and told them how much I enjoyed making both of them cum. As the husband went to clean up, I told her that she shouldn't be afraid of him enjoying it, and that just because I had sex with other guys didn't mean I didn't enjoy sex with women too - including her, as I'd just demonstrated. She smiled and said that she understood better now. They invited me back many times.
--Well, this answer pretty much speaks for itself! Might've come right out of one of my books. Are you sure it didn't? lol

5. Do you feel comfortable "coming out" with these tendencies to more "vanilla" friends and family? If not, what are the attitudes that discourage you from doing so?

I never did tell anyone in my family, and only a couple of my vanilla friends. People just can't understand that "bisexual" isn't the same as "gay" (and that "gay" doesn't always mean "flaming pink cross-dressing femme queer with lisp") For reasons that completely elude me, they think that if you like sucking cock, that's all you like.
--Exactly. And sad though it may be...this is a huge part of the reason I write these novels and this blog. Aside from the sheer joy of writing them...and yeah, ok...the royalties are nice, too...I truly hope that I'm doing my small part in raising awareness and hopefully tolerance and acceptance of the bisexual male's situation and lifestyle. Each time a reader gets to know these characters...as they become real and personal...they become less alien and more familiar. It's much harder to hate something you understand.

6. What if you found yourself in a satisfying triad-style relationship with a man and a woman...would this be a long-term commitment that you would consider making?
Sure; why not? Relationships are about how well your personality matches anothers', not their gender. Unfortunately there are FAR too many people who would disagree with you there. But maybe, eventually, we can change their minds on that point.

Thank you, Paul,) for answering my questions so honestly and candidly. I hope I can call upon you if any new and intriguing questions come up--either from myself or my readers. But for now, thanks for this fascinating glimpse into your world and your experience!

A-e-A-e....Ooooh!

2010-05-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm baaaack! Edits for my next novel are done and I have a June 11th release date. YAY!! In honor of that I plan to start a contest within the next week or so that will allow a couple of lucky winners to get their own free digital copy, as well as a couple of print books of their choice. But more on that later. Now on to the sex.....

When I was seventeen I got a job at a local insurance company. Other than the fact that I saw dollar signs swirling around my head when I found out I would be making two dollars above minimum wage, I don't remember a whole lot about it. The little bit I do remember revolves around long afternoons spent flipping through life insurance policies that had been cashed in. Er...claimed? Er...whatever you choose to call it, these people had died and their family was looking to collect the benefits that they'd signed up for. Now, why they had a wet-behind-the-ears teenager perusing through death certificates and confidential financial information is beyond me. I'm thinking I was looking for something specific, but I no longer remember what that was. What I do remember is reading about my first acount of Auto-erotic Asphyxiation.

In fact, I remember it vividly. In the account of his death I read how he had been alone in his home one night, and his wife (I think) had come home to find him in the basement--rope around his neck, hanging from the ceiling. Ass just a few inches above the ground and legs stretched out before him, naked from the waist down...and with a layer of toilet paper laid out beneath him. Toilet paper that was, at that point of course, soiled with...a variety of bodily excretions.

Now I read this and was, to say the least, puzzled. Not to mention grodied-out to the MAX! (It was the 80's) And then I went to my supervisor and asked her what the fuck this was about? Well, maybe I didn't say it quite like that, but it was at that point that I had my first lesson in the pros--an cons--of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I later remember reading a Michael Crichton novel in which AeA was featured prominently as part of a murder mystery plot. And since then I've heard of it off and on in the media. David Carradine and Michael Hutchence of INXS are two prime examples of "suspicious" deaths that just reeked of AeA gone horribly wrong. I don't know if AeA was ever ruled as an official cause of death in those cases....I mean what family is going to want that permanently tacked to their loved one's record? But then again...is it really so horrific? Stupid perhaps.It's not suicidal, nor is it intended as a harmful, destructive, or even self-destructive habit.

At least that's what this ARTICLE that I came across yesterday finally pointed out for me. It's one of the most informative and non-judgmental pieces on the subject that I've ever read. Not that I've read many. Well...okay...I've never really read anything else on the subject. But I've often wondered about it, and this does a very good job of filling in the blanks.

Contrary to what many believe, AeA is not about masochism or seeking pain. It's about seeking heightened pleasure. And as this article so vividly points it does a very fine job of heightening that pleasure. Not that the means of it isn't disturbing. Especially when we start talking about school yard choking games. That is something I hadn't heard of before, and frankly I wish I hadn't heard of now. AeA and the addiction to it is certainly not a healthy past time, but it is certainly much less mysterious to me now than it was. And learning more about it, and educating our children about the very REAL hazards of pursuing it can only have a positive effect. Unfortunately, knowing the risks didn't help the subject of this article, who was already so addicted that he was past help. But perhaps it can play a part in preventing people from taking that first experimental step down that road.

Short hiatus

2010-05-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to apologize for my absence of late, and explain that it'll be a few more days until I get back into the "swing" of things here! I'm working on the edits for my next release, and really need to concentrate on that for now.

But don't worry.... I am working on some interesting stories in the mean time.

More to come on that later.

The Ass-Backwards-Barbie!

2010-04-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have heard--and seen--some strange and wonderful things in my life, and truly...there is little that can surprise me anymore. However, last night I heard something that, if nothing else, gave me a good chuckle. A friend steered me toward the tail...er tale of the hapless Southerner who needed to have a rather...eclectic foreign object extracted from his ass. Yes...you guessed it...a Barbie doll!

Now, I can imagine that it didn't feel...umm....too bad going in. Kind of like giving birth backwards, and the head isn't even that big--nothing like pushing out three small watermelons like I did. However, once inserted, and with those pointy little hands and feet now pointed outward...I could see that the removal process could be a little more....problematic? Hence the need for internvention by medical personnel.
So, after the giggles died down, the enormous question of "WHY?!" reverberated through the room. Why would someone do such a thing? Surely it can't feel...good. Are they into pain? What is the purpose of shoving a variety of foreign objects into the rectal cavity?

And other than the possibility that he was inspired by this Eddy Murphy song, I don't have any answers, because frankly I, personally, am not partial to even the most benign anal play. So, the thought of inserting beer bottles or (egads) wine bottles, or live gerbils (aka one version of felching) into that particular orifice is quite beyond my comprehension. However, that doesn't mean I can sit in judgement and say it's "wrong" to want to do such things. And neither can I presume to postulate the attraction to such a fetish...or any fetish, for that matter (and there ARE some doozies!)

And for that reason, I think I'm going to join a fetish site that I know of and see if I can find someone to answer some of those questions, but in the mean time, just for fun, I looked up this list of weird and wonderful sexual fetishes
A couple of favorites out of that list would be:
Formicophilia: deriving pleasure from having insects crawl on your genitals. Kind of like a vibrator, I'm thinking...only without the need for batteries.
and
Plushophilia: the attraction to stuffed animals. Well, if you're into beastiality this is a nice, benign alternative to the sheep farmer's big rubber boots and velcro gloves!

(Btw...yes, that is a "Pooper-Scooper Barbie" in the picture.)

The boob-rut

2010-04-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

I admit it...I have fallen into a boob-rut. And by that I do not mean a deep trench worn into the ground by dragging a Triple-D breasted babe across eager earth in an effort to make a pair of uniform furrows for planting purposes. Wow...Sorry. The alliteration, and the use of questionable imagery went a little wild there!

But in truth, the vast majority of female characters in my books are not endowed gorgeous melon-sized globes or overly-enhanced orbs. Most of my female characters are, instead, bestowed with smaller, more "athletic" sized breasts. Basically I'm biased towards an A or B cup...with very occasional ventures into other realms of the alphabet. And the reason for that isn't rocket science. That's where I fall, hence that's what I'm comfortable with...largely because when I write I have to put myself into the character's places and try to imagine myself as "them." And isn't ironic that it's easier for me to imagine myself as a man with a penis than as a woman with a double-D bra cup.

And what does this have to do with anything, you might ask? Well, last night my dear hubby and I went out and did something we haven't done for FAR too long. We went to one of our favorite clubs for an evening of dancing and socializing! However, unfortunately, and for a variety of reasons, the club wasn't quite as busy as usual and the DJ really got on our nerves. I got tired of hearing his drunken-sounding voice (no, he wasn't drunk, he just sounds like that...allll the time!) telling us repeatedly--in between every two songs, it seemed--how we were all going to party all night long, and how he was taking any and all requests and he guaranteed that he would play those requests. Well, he didn't play mine. The so-called DJ had never even heard of KT Tunstall or The Scissor Sisters, let alone had their music available. So, in between sporadic trips to the dance floor and chowing down on some really excellent French fries, my hubby and I passed the time with a little game of "Real or Refurbished." Just a good-natured game of trying to guess who among the guests have opted for a little engineering enhancement for their breasts.

Being blessed with relatively small, but unmistakabley perky mounds that seemed to fare quite well through the rigors of three rounds of pregnancy and lactation, I have never really considered the option of enhancement. And if I had I know for a fact my hubby would have actively discouraged it. He has a most distinct preference for the "unenhanced" female form and, having had opportunity to check out the "wares" of a fare number of women who have gone that route...so do I. Make no mistake, I have no issue with women wanting to feel better about themselves. With women who are in need of augmentation for reasons of health or significant "droopage" due to age or various other reasons. I don't even have issue with women who just want a little lift for no other reason than they want cleavage when they wear a low-cut gown. I do, however, have serious issues with THIS.

Of course this is an extreme example, and not one that the vast majority of women...or more specifically any SANE woman would ever aspire to, however it does astound me how many choose to augment to the point that it is so painfully (and I'm quite sure it was) obvious that that is what's happened. When breasts stick out from the chest all on their own, without any help from external sources, or when they just don't move during dancing or running...yeah. That is pretty much a give away. And, I'm sorry but...it just isn't sexy! And if you've ever had the privilege to touch a pair like that? Hard and unforgiving...no. Not sexy at all.

I do not now, nor have I ever, understood the Caucasian (I would say North American but judging from THIS bit of info we hardly have a monopoly on the obsession) obsession with silicone. Breasts are beautiful in ALL their forms...big or small, with tiny pink nipples or large dark areolas, pert and perfect, or etched with stretch marks...we should appreciate them for what they are. I guess what they are however, and what pleasures they provide, varies greatly from individual to individual. I just don't think they should ever be the soul source of esteem or a gage of sexiness for anyone.

If you have time, be sure to scroll down on that page and check out the video from the MidWest Teen Sex Show. It's hilarious! And very poignant.

Pardon my PDA

2010-04-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Errr.....oops. No. That's not exactly the PDA I'm thinkin' of.

All this business about the lesbian couple kissing in public got me thinkin'... Who am I kidding? I'm always thinking! Or at least thinking things that a good girl shouldn't be thinking. But anyway...

It got me wondering...what IS it about Public Displays of Affection? What is it about watching someone else being affectionate that bothers us so? I'm not talking strictly about gay or lesbian affection, although as I said before, I do think they tend to "stick out" from the crowd, becoming a focal point largely because of the sheer strangeness of it all. But as highlighted in that article, even heterosexual couples are often criticized for gettin' a little too friendly in a public setting. But there are two questions that come to mind with regard to that.

First off, you have to wonder, what is the definition of "too friendly"? Is holding hands okay? How about a hug? A peck on the cheek or the lips? What about a long, lingering tongue-free kiss? Or what of a long, lingering kiss that does include a little tonsil-hockey? What about a wandering hand that creeps up to a breast? Or...lower?

You may shake your head at me and say, "Don't be ridiculous! Obviously that's inapproprate behaviour for a public place!" But, although I agree that the last two scenarios are widely accepted as inappropriate and would likely net you a trip to the sidewalk vis-a-vis some not-so-polite warnings...I still have to ask...WHY? There is no bare skin involved. What's so different about brushing a hand across a bra and T-shirt clad breast as opposed to a bare knuckle? Or a bare cheek? "It's more sexual," you might say. But I would argue that a long, lingering look or a gentle kiss on the ear can be just as sexual, just as arousing--if not more so--than cupping a breast.

At this point my best answer is that it's simply about culture and normalization. A few days ago I had a conversation with an East Indian colleague about this very thing. I asked her whether seeing people kiss in public made her uncomfortable. She said, not so much anymore, but when she was younger she was horrified to see a couple holding hands in public! In her culture, such overt public affection was highly taboo. However when she came home and told her mother what she had seen--i.e. the couple holding hands--her mother's response was, "So? What business is it of yours?" Obviously that response went a long way towards changing my colleagues views on such things.

And that would be my answer as well. If you don't like what you see, don't look at it. If you do like it...feel free to watch. If someone is engaging in a little overt affection in a public place then they damn well better be prepared to be watched. I don't think they'd have a right to criticize you for THAT. But there have to be lines, you say. Standards. Rules and limitations must govern all of society. We can't have people fucking in alley-ways, after all. (Uh....of course not. That never happens.)There are certain standards of behaviour that we all must agree on, and I would agree. But these lines are constantly shifting, changing. Mutating. And it's all about socialization.

In the past few years I have been out to a lot of interesting...places. Met a lot of interesting people, and seen a lot of...er... interesting and illuminating things. (Just wait for my report on the gay pride parade in July!) And let me tell you...now, I don't even bat an eye at things that a number of years ago would have had me blushing and gasping in horror.

Maybe that's not a good thing, you might say. We don't like to hear of people getting jaded to the effects of death and war, for example. Of course not. That is a horrible thing, and will always be obscene, regardless of the context. But here we're talking about seeing people express affection and desire for one another. I have a hard time understanding why that is ever considered obscene.

Just as an aside I was THRILLED to hear of Obama's new legislation guaranteeing gays and lesbians equal access to their loved ones in health care settings: Obama Extends Health Care Rights to Gay Partners. I had no idea of the discriminations that have taken place over the years and that have caused so many, so much heartache. Good for you, Obama!!

She kissed a girl...and they didn't like it.

2010-04-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is a bit repetitive. But the theme of homophobia will probably continue to make appearances in this blog...at least for as long as it's an issue in this world. And today the issue is in MY world. This little incident took place very close to home, therefore is much more personal for me.

Not to say I believe...or ever believed that my hometown (i.e. the general region where I live) is perfect, or free of discrimination and intolerance. Believing that would be akin to believing in unicorns, dragons, or the intelligence of your average Alaskan governor. No...I wasn't nearly so naive, however I have never actually experienced the discrimination myself. Well...unless you count being outcast by friends because I write the word "fuck" and believe that sex is something to be talked about ane enjoyed rather than closeted and indulged in in tiny, measured quantities and under very controlled conditions...like tiny pieces of communion bread. (We Mennos use bread rather than wafers.) Anyway...I digress.

So...I still haven't experienced such things personally, however this story is close enough to home to give me pause: A Stir Over Women's Kiss. In a nutshell a couple of young women were reprimanded in a local restaurant when their goodbye "peck" lingered just a little too long. Okay, so the admission that the "peck" lasted for twenty seconds does make one's eyebrows go a bit askew, however, it certainly doesn't sound like they were holed up in the corner with their hands in each others' pants either. The owner's declaration that this is a "family" restaurant and her decision to ask them to leave would have applied to ANY couple and had nothing to do with the display of an alternative sexual orientation...echoes hollowly in my ears. I have a really hard time believing that anybody would have looked twice at a man and woman sharing a slightly prolonged goodbye kiss. Whether intentional or not, I believe this little incident is the result of a hyper-sensitivity to people having the nerve to flaunt their "aberrant" sexuality in public.
So...I have half a mind to haul my hubby down there and test the situation. But if we share a kiss in full view of the staff....and are not reprimanded, exactly who do we complain to? Or maybe...maybe....I should call up a bisexual buddy or two and head on down there for a little experiment.

But that would be bad. Right?

Forget the purity ring...and just DO IT!

2010-04-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you are familiar with MLIA, but every once in a while when I need a "feel good" fix I head on over there. The quips and anecdotes are occasionally a bit inane, but every once in a while you get a gem like this one:

My grandfather noticed a new ring I was wearing and asked me about it. I explained to him that it was a purity ring and what that meant. He looked at me a bit strangely and said, "I think you should get a Nike ring." When I asked what that meant he said, "Just do it."

I just ADORED that response and wished my kids had a grandfather like that! But what makes this relevant now...what brought it to mind, was this not so insignificant detail about the new health care legislation that Obama recently signed: $250 Million for Abstinence Education. Basically the bill includes a provision for schools to get funding for sex education, but ONLY if it focuses on and promotes abstinence rather than responsible sex. This is wrong on so many levels! But basically, as the article says, this approach has been proven--quite simply--to NOT WORK! If you give kids an all or nothing choice without educating them for anything in between, invariably they will end up somewhere in between...and will be totally ill-equipped to deal with it. However, I have a different angle on this particular issue.

I WAS one of these kids. Because of my religious upbringing, as well as an absolute CERTAINTY that if I ever did it without protection I would most definitely get pregnant (something that was pretty much confirmed by the success of our first-ever pregnancy attempt), I abstained from sexual intercourse with with my now-husband until our wedding night. So, from age 19 to 23, after four-and-a-half years of dating, yes...I was a virgin on our wedding night--albeit a technical one. By that I mean we had indulged in just about everything ELSE but intercourse, but still....

So, was I glad I didn't indulge in unprotected sex? Of course! We had our first son after four years of marriage and that was a smart and good decision. Having a child before marriage would have been stupid, not to mention damn inconvenient, even with a committed partner. However...having been there and done the abstinence thing...I would never recommend it to my children. Or anyone. And I certainly wouldn't recommend it for that length of time.

I'm not talking about the common fear that if you never have sex with a partner before marriage you have no idea if you're compatible or not. If you're involved in kissing, foreplay and perhaps some oral, then I think you've got a pretty good idea of how the other partner will perform in bed. I certainly did. I had no disappointments in that area. However...after so many years of denial. Of trying to "turn it off" and/or call a halt to things just when they were getting...interesting. It is not an easy thing to simply...switch it back on again. Sexual desire and behavioural conditioning don't really work that way. Let's just say our honeymoon was less an exercise in passion and more an exercise in scaling hurdles. Trying to get past this innate sense that "this is wrong." "I'm not supposed to be doing this." "Why is this suddenly okay?"

So there was Pavlovian conditioning, religion-inspired guilt, not to mention getting past the huge image of what sex is supposed to be that I had built up in my mind over the years.

Eventually I got over it. Obviously. But it did take a lot of time and work on both our parts. So, that's my "been there done that" argument against abstinence. Just get all those hurdles off the track, people.... so you can just run with it!

Inspirational drought...

2010-04-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

Working night shifts this week and battling some weird illness that now has me sounding a little bit too much like Kathleen Turner for my liking...has dried up my inspiration as well as my energy. Hope to post something this weekend. There must be SOMETHING sexy about Easter!

Oh....Oprah.

2010-03-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

This week I was fortunate to catch Oprah's special report on the porn industry and how its consumer demographic is changing to include far more women.

Actually, I'm not normally a big Oprah watcher, and the only reason I caught it was because a friend texted me thinking that the title "Why Millions of women are using Porn and Erotica" implied a touch on erotic literature. Unfortunately this didn't turn out to be the case. However it still made for a very interesting, albeit not exactly surprisin--for me--hour of TV viewing. The guests included Violet Blue, a sex educator and the "foremost expert on sex and technology." Uh...Pardon? Not sure what that means, but based on her website, she's now in my sidebar!!

There was also the owner of the G Boutique, a Chicago sex shop with merchandise geared to women and couples and which stocks more "female friendly" porn. Female friendly porn? Really? That means porn that has more of a story. Porn that is more sensual. And porn with men whose merits are based as much on on their abs and the strength of their jawline as on their penis size. Ron Jeremy's glory days are over. Finally!

And, of course, the main feature on the show was super-star porn queen Jenna Jameson. Nope...I had never heard of her. But apparently, for many, she's a household name. And one of the richest, most successful and most savvy of her ilk.

Numerous little tidbits came out of that show. Things like the fact that women in porn are much more highly paid than their male counterparts. The fact that Jameson, despite the number of movies that she has made, has really only had a scant few half dozen or so partners--the vast majority of her scenes having taken place with her husband! And the fact that showing your blood test results before filming has become standard practise. And, perhaps the biggest, most significant statistic, and the one that spurred Oprah to do this show, is the fact that women now account for one in three of those perving the websites and doling out their hard earned cash for porn and erotica.

To me, none of this was a huge surprise. I found it all fascinating and, to some degree, empowering! I think it's awesome that women are moving in, and starting to have an influence on the single most lucrative and arguably influential industry in North America.

Oprah, however, did not share my enthusiasm. Her expression throughout the show could, at its best, be described as uncertain. And, at it's worst resembled that of a constipated camel. Oprah was not impressed by either Jenna Jameson's testimony, or by the G Boutique's invasion of her pristine vision of her hometown. Even my youngest son who was sitting at the computer and glancing up at the show occasionally commented on how unhappy she looked. She never smiled. Not once.

So, I'm sorry, Oprah. I'm not sorry that women are finally taking ownership of their sexuality and moving into one of the last completely male-dominated industries in the world. I'm not sorry that women are feeling free to watch erotic movies with their partners...or alone for that matter, and pleasure themselves as they feel the need. I'm not sorry that women are even feeling free to watch and enjoy gay porn! What I am sorry about is the fact that for all your "empowering women" rhetoric you seem to be out of touch with the fact that part of that empowerment is to take ownership and find freedom in our own sexuality. I'm sorry that all this new information has burst your pristine little "women should represent the purity of the race" bubble.

Purity is overrated, I'm afraid. Purity is more about oppression than "goodness."
In fact sex is good. And good sex ain't just for men anymore, baby!

OMG: A review

2010-03-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

Oversized Male Genitalia. What did YOU think that stood for? Hehe.

I just thought it was time to sing the praises of this awesome book. Actually...the book isn't anything to write home about. Well...unless your mother is a smut-writing Sex Diva like moi! And if so...aren't you lucky! But otherwise, you may not want to mail this home to Grandma. Or give it to your priest. Or even nominate it for a Pullitzer. It's a goofy, tongue-in-cheek poke at the ultimate male fantasy. And it's a riot.

What really struck me about it, however...what makes it worth mentioning for me... is the story of how I came across it. It wasn't like I found it while perving Amazon for some cheap thrills. (Not that I do that. Ahem.) I didn't even find it hidden in the dusty back corner of the local sex shop and porn store. I came across this little gem as I stepped into the local Chapters store (For those of you unfamiliar with Chapters, that's the Canadian version of Barnes and Noble. An enormous bookstore and Starbucks chain for the literary and latte lovin' league.) I walked down the main aisle and there...there...THERE in the middle of one of the largest, most in-your-face, most blatantly publicity-seeking table displays of books sat this brilliant red and gold tomb, shamelessly declaring the word "PENIS" for all to see. I was...astounded. Flabbergasted. And amazed. I just thought this was the best thing ever. Even better than when Ottawa University students managed to run Anne Coulter out of town! Oops...this blog isn't supposed to be about politics. But then again Anne Coulter is kind of like the sexual Anti-Christ. Hang on...where was I?

Oh yes...the table display at Chapters! I was just so impressed at this blatant display of such a naughty word that I had to stop and pick it up. And after reading a few bits and pieces here and there, decided it would make the perfect birthday gift for my husband! No...he's not excessively endowed, and despite all the spam in his in-box, has no wish to be. However, I thought it would provide us with a good chuckle over chocolate birthday cake and ice cream. Ironically, our oldest son was much more enthusiastic about covering the book fromn cover to cover. And, no...we don't have that book sitting out when grandma and grandpa come over to visit. Shame, really.

So, anyway...if you know anyone who has issues with OMG...or who wishes they did, or who would just get a kick out of having the word PENIS emblazoned in gold letters across a book on his/her coffee table, I highly recommend this book! I mean...if you can't have fun with an enormous penis...what CAN you have fun with?
Ummm.....

Feelin sexy... Part Deux

2010-03-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

For years I didn't feel sexy.

When I was in my teens and twenties I did...sort of. In my teens it was dicey because I couldn't seem to get a boy to be interested in me. I wore the tight jeans--the kind that forced you to slide into your desk sideways and stick your legs out in order to avoid being cut in half--and I had the 80's hair. I smiled at a few boys, and even managed to get one to kiss me. But for the most part the boys in my age range weren't interested in a rather outspoken Sci-Fi freak whose abilities in math could shame even the nerdiest pocket-protector-toting geek. Let alone the star of the volleyball team. Apparently teenage boys don't like girls that are smarter than they are. Who knew?

So, not until I met my number one hunny at the tender age of 19 did I really start to feel like I had the kind of sex appeal required to lure all those good little Mennonite boys into temptation. Alas, however, the very first boy I dated was so perfect that I never needed to look any further! Therefore my exposure to the opposite sex, and hence the affirmation of my sex appeal, ended up being very limited.

So, through the years of marriage, home-ownership, pregnancy, lactation and motherhood...my wonderful hunny continued to always tell me how beautiful and sexy I was. And that is wonderful! However...I confess that after 20 years it started to lose it's...zing. And I confess that through those years of pregnancy and looking after toddlers I pretty much gave up on the whole sex appeal thing. What's the point, after all when you spend much of your free time wiping up poop and mopping up puke? But then...suddenly...and yes, I do believe it was right around that proverbial female sexual peak...I decided it was time to get off my ample butt and start to feel like a woman again! And I did. I lost 30 pounds, grew out my hair, and bought my first pair of low-rise jeans. I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. But I still didn't feel sexy. Not...really. And at the time...I couldn't really say why. And then it happened--the epiphany!

I had gone out to a bar to meet some girlfriends for an evening of dancing. However...arriving at the ridiculously early hour of 10:00 pm....left me waiting for my girlfriends all alone. Not being particularly shy I got a drink at the bar and sat down to wait. The first to approach was a college age boy with a rye and coke and a goofy smile who sat down beside me and proceeded to inflate my ego exponentially. I'm not sure if he...flirted exactly, however I did come away from that table with a perpetual invitation to keg parties at his house. (I have yet to take him up on that.) But it was upon walking away from that table that the real fun began.

I heard my name called and was startled to discover two of those volley-ball playing jocks from my old highschool...two men who in 1982 barely knew I existed, and who had, on occasion teased my geeky friends and myself to distraction. Well...it seemed that NOW the distraction was on the other foot. These two divorcees on the make had eyes that were so big, and jaws that had dropped so far that I almost thought I was going to have to start mopping up their drool. I confess it felt good...damn good to turn away their advances with a little flick of my wrist. "Sorry boys. I am sooooo out of your league."

Okay...I didn't say that. Not out loud, anyway. But the way that little experience made me feel was...beyond description. It was the boost and the affirmation that I had been seeking...and I hadn't even known it. Of course I came home and told #1 hunny all about it. He was fine with the flirtation, but I think he was a little hurt when he said, "I've been telling you you're beautiful and sexy for years. Doesn't it mean the same coming from me?" And I replied bluntly, "You know I love you, but...No. It doesn't." Sad, perhaps...but true.

This is a man who looked at me during the bloating and pain of childbirth and still TRULY believed I was beautiful. That means something, of course. It means everything! But there is a part of me that wants to be seen as sexy just because of the way a pair of jeans hug my ass, and the way a push up bra sets off a low-cut top. It's about walking down the street and FEELING sexy. Feeling like you stand out. Feeling superficially special, I suppose.

I guess it is superficial...and probably somewhat sad, but I don't think I'm alone in that feeling. FAct is I've put a few pounds back on again, and I'm not quite as sveldt and toned as I was five years ago, but I still have that feeling. When I do myself up, and put on those low-rise jeans, I feel good about who I am. I feel confident and sexy, and when I walk down the street I feel good about myself. And if it meant I had to crush a couple of old highschool bad-asses to get that feeling...then too bad for them. And YAY for me.

I think we all have to take that feeling wherever we can get it. Whether it's by spending $150 on a kick-ass hair style, or picking up a sexy pair of thigh-high boots....Whether it's by lacing yourself into a corsette until you've got "bum back" and your waistline has been cut down by a third....Whether it's by getting your nails done or treating (hmm...not sure THAT's the right word) yourself to a Brazilian wax....
It doesn't matter.

Do what you gotta do to find your inner Diva...and make no apologies for it!

Gay germs threaten prom!

2010-03-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. Apparently two girls were planning on dancing together at a prom...hence proof that the Apocalypse is at hand! Uh..."Pardon," you might say? "Girls dance together all the time! At age 18 few boys have the confidence, let alone the rhythm, to risk shaking their booty in public, so girls take to the floor together in droves!" Ah...but the difference is... they're typically all in dresses, right? Normal, average, god-fearing girls deck themselves out in cleavage-baring, body hugging, bow-laden, taffeta-rustling gowns that are destined to embarrass them in photos for years to come!

The fact that one chose to wear pants is...abormal. Unseemly. And...well...scandalous. Right? Umm...didn't we get over that issue around 1969? So the true issue here is, obviously, the fact that the two girls made their relationship public by asking permission first. Don't they know the simple golden rule of, "It's better to ask forgiveness after than ask permission first"?

So, thankfully it's all a happy ending, the day being saved by a well-meaning humanist organization with a few thou to throw at the problem and make it go away. So YAY for the fact that a good group of kids got their prom and the fact that the word "private" didn't turn out to mean "exclusionary" as well. But after reading the comments on this story, I have to agree with one person who observed that this is not really a solution. It doesn't really tackle the problem. While this is a happy ending for this particular group of kids, it does nothing to tackle the basic, inherent problems in this situation: bigotry, intolerance, ignorance and, yes, homophobia.

It's too bad the community didn't stand up and rally for their kids, insisting that the school board reinstate the prom and stop their ridiculous self-righteousness and posturing. But perhaps that's asking too much of a state that only gave up segregation a mere 50 years ago. I mean...what if one of the girls had been white and the othe black!? I shudder to think.

We have come a long way. I mean...I have so many reasons to be grateful for the school system that provides for my children. My sons have had some awesome teachers--teachers who have asked some really tough questions, and laid down some really tough lines when it comes to attitudes and how kids are to treat each other in their school. My son's highschool even has an organized group for gay kids, their friends and their family. I can't imagine that something like this would ever be an issue here...and for the most part I think North America's tolerance level has improved greatly over what it was fifty years ago. But that doesn't mean it isn't still an issue that merits our attention and that needs to be talked about. Loudly!

And on that note...I'm thinking my next blog post will discuss bicuriosity in women. I'm thinkin' Katy Perry knew what she was talkin' about...

Lights on...Lights off?

2010-03-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sounds a little bit like a quote from The Karate Kid, doesn't it? Wax on...wax off! Actually that sounds a bit like an ad for a Brazilian waxing operation! But that was last week's topic. Now...where the heck was I?

Oh yes...LIGHTS!

This past week I heard a little tidbit of info on the radio that had me absolutely reeling. According to the DJ's who are, no doubt, iron-clad sources...20% of men have never seen their wives without makeup on. Uh...excuse me?

Having lived with the same man for more than 20 years, experienced childbirth, along with various other indignities, together. Having showered together and...oh yeah...woken up together, it is very difficult to conceive of a relationship where this is even possible! However...I suppose, with enough obsessive compulsive mascara and blush applications, anything is doable. However, upon thinking about it, it leaves out a couple of obvious scenarios...

Showering together--unless, of course you have all waterproof makeup and/or never put your head under the spray during fellatio. (There IS innuendo in there. Make no mistake.)
And my other stab in the dark at here is would be to postulate that many of these women always, always make love at night, and with the lights off! I mean, seriously...that seems like a much more feasible scenario than someone who never, never, ever takes their makeup off before bed, or who manages to keep it intact during vigorous rubbing against the sheets and pillows. To me, keeping the lights off is the most viable explanation for this startling number. Not that the thought of millions of insecure women never allowing their spouses to see them in their full, beautiful, unaffected glory isn't equally disturbing. It just seems more...doable, I suppose.

Personally, while I do enjoy a little ambiance, now and then--a darkened room does have a sense of romance and mystery, I'll admit--for the nost part I like to see my partner, and I rather like him to see me. Although in recent years I have tried very hard to keep my body in reasonable shape, I am by no means perfect. But really...what I actually look like is beside the point. I know full well that it's my perception of myself and my perception of how he perceives me that is important. Having the lights on or off has little to do with all that. My body and my face, and how I perceive of myself in my head isn't affected by whether I'm wearing makeup or whether the lights are on and off. It's all in my head...and that's where the changes have to take place for someone to become truly comfortable inside their own skin and with their own sexuality.

I'm really not sure how to teach that, or help people with that. All we can do is talk about it, I guess. Get it out there. So, here I am, doing my small part to make the world a brighter place. ;-)

Hedge trimming

2010-03-10T17:21:00.000-08:00

I am a product of the current day porn culture. No...I don't sit in a darkened room, blinds drawn, scouring the Internet for images of naked men doing unspeakable things to each other. Well...okay...I HAVE done that, but for research purposes only. Really! Ahem...At any rate, I don't do it on a regular basis. But that is beside the point.

When I say I'm a product of the present day porn culture, I am referring strictly to today's standards of grooming. And today's standards of grooming are, in fact, pretty strict! Hair on a head or on a chest, and even on a sinewy pair of forearms is quite acceptable...even sexy. However...hair just about anywhere else is generally considered rather...unsavory. So, yes I shave. Every other day or so...and pretty much everywhere. Save for the "landing strip" nod to the fact that I am, in fact, a mature adult female, there's little to no evidence of the waist-high hedge that was once was. And I demand the same of my partner. My hubby began his new grooming ritual about the same time I did, about six or seven years ago. And we haven't looked back since.

Sure, it's a pain. But since I choose not to go the waxing route, that's a figurative statement, rather than a literal one. (btw, from what I hear the laser option ain't exactly a stroll on the beach either)It's time-consuming and somewhat finicky, but other than my time and the anguish of the occasional ingrown hair (life's a risk) it costs me nothing. And, for me, the benefits far outweigh the deficits. I mean who likes to floss during fellatio? Or cough up hair balls during cunnilingus? I shudder to think of the days when such things were an actual issue! Just as I still shudder on occasion when I read erotic novels that still make mention of that traditional "nest of curls" or "silken thatch." As I recall there wasn't anything silky about it, more closely resembling steel wool than the down of a milkweed plant. But maybe that was just me. lol

I know there are those who still balk at it. Who see it as a twisted reversion to the look of a "little girl", or who just simply don't see the need. And to them I say to each their own! But I would advise anyone who is considering returning to the dating scene after a lengthy absence to think long and hard about this issue. The strippers and the porn stars may not exactly be the icons of a generation...but I fear their genitals just may be. They've set a certain standard of hygiene and personal grooming, and if your choose to ignore it...you had better be prepared for the reaction when your hedge pops out of your yard for the first time!

It's all about geOh-graphy

2010-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

Men fake orgasms? Huh? Really? If that's the case, then the next logical question is...with whom? Obviously not with women--or men for that matter--who are big believers in empirical evidence.

But yes...this is just one of the juicy little tidbits of information that caught my eye from this survey, based on info from Dr. Phil and the Kinsey Institute: The Female Orgasm: By the numbers. (Just scroll down a bit to see the majority of survey results.)

A number of things jumped out at me from this survey...almost all of them disturbing, although truly not overly surprising. Things like the fact that women's orgasms--or lack thereof--are 90% psychological, and that we can typically achieve it in a fraction of the time all on our own, rather than with help. Maybe it's not as much fun...but it doesn't seem to be as much work either! Especially with the help of some well-placed batteries. ;-)

But what I did find truly disturbing is the number of women who are unable to identify their OWN "points of interest" on a map. And the fact that men beat us out on this one is...well...it's humiliating. However, again, perhaps not all that surprising. And is, no doubt, a huge contributing factor to the difficulty that many women have in achieving orgasm at all.

I come from a religious background that was--when it came to sex, at least--very conservatively skewed. I remember vividly having the feeling that "down there" was a bad place, and not something that should be explored too thoroughly. My first trip to a gynecologist was somewhat traumatic, to say the least. So once I met my future husband, and we started experimenting sexually, it was much easier to allow him to do the "dirty work" rather than to do it myself. And much less scary. Luckily I was open-minded and curious enough to eventually overcome some of those barriers and explore things on my own, but I'm pretty sure I was well into my twenties the first time I picked up a mirror and went....oooohhh...so, that's what that looks like! And then I went directly to the internet looking for pictures to confirm that what I had wasn't a hideous aberration compared to what the rest of the world possessed.

So, am I unique? Obviously not! And can we blame it on the old-world mentality that existed in the 50's and which just lingered a little longer but that we are now well on our way to overcoming? Well, judging from the fact that I recently met a 20-something-year-old who told me that she had never used a tampon, let alone actually looked at herself "down there"...I suppose that's not true either.

I think the internet and the the new world of information and sharing and sexual freedom has brought us a long way...but we've still got a long way to go, people! And it starts with our kids and our friends. We need to talk about it more. Maybe even look at pictures. Explain, discuss, question. And make sure people know that it's OKAY! It's okay to be curious, and to explore, and yes, even to touch. They're OUR bodies, for God's sake! Being ashamed or afraid of them is not an option!

So to the celibate--and I highly suspect orgasm-free--"friend" who once warned me that my writing and my books are a bad reflection on me and an evil influence on my family and my readers...I say...Go out and get a Pocket Rocket and learn how to use it! THEN we'll talk!

Feelin' sexy

2010-03-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

As I write this I am sitting in a vinyl and chrome chair staring at my goofy-lookin' self in the salon mirror. I look a little--who am I kidding--a LOT like a character from "Signs" who is hoping to receive communication from the aliens through the elaboorate array of tin foil on my head. Or is it BLOCK communication from the aliens? Maybe I have to watch that movie again. lol

But bottom line is, I was having a lousy week. An emotionally draining week with friends who lost loved ones, and other friends who...well, let's just say they didn't really act much like friends...and feeling a bit tattered and torn and like I deserved a boost. So I made a frantic emergency phone call to Johnny. To my stylist--my Romanian accented, silver-tongued, washboard abbed, Judo-blackbelt, UFC fighting, raging heterosexual...stylist. Sorry...what was I saying?

Oh yeah... It must have been karma or kismet or something equally ethereal...but he had a spot for me...TODAY! So, here I sit waiting for my color to set, watching Johnny stride (the word "walk" just doesn't do him justice) away in a pair of FANTASTIC jeans... and anxiously waiting to see the result of my frantic plea for something different. Something unique. Something DRAMATIC! Something to make me feel...special and sexy and...renewed.

There is just something so uniquely feminine, uniquely female, about being primped and pampered, looking in the mirror and thinking...there. THAT helps. That's better. It's almost as good as eating a quart of Haagen Das chunky monkey ice cream. Or maybe it's better, because at the end of the day, you feel better about yourself, rather than worse. You feel empowered. Like you've got the world at your feet...and just a little bit sad that that boyfriend or girlfriend or bff who wasn't... or whoever you just dumped or who just dumped you, is never going to see how fantastic you look. There's healing in there. It's the power of sex. Of feeling like you have just a little more control over yourself and your body and your world.

It doesn't matter who sees you or who doesn't. It just matters that YOU know you're that sexy. You're that good. And, well...I gotta admit...it's kinda nice getting a scalp massage from my personal demi-god.

(The pic was taken in the evening after a loooong day at work, so I am NOT looking exactly perky!)

YAY CANADA!

2010-02-28T15:53:00.001-08:00

This may have nothing to do with sex, but it has to be said.
CANADA ROCKS!!! Best Olympic moment EVER!
There. I'm done. lol

A cougar and proud of it!

2010-02-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

So... much like the rest of North America I've been glued to the Olympics pretty steadily over the past two weeks. And, much like the rest of Canada, that has meant enduring hours upon hours of the CTV network's endless commentaries, interviews, analyses, projections and histories of all the events. Because, God knows...THAT is what we tune in to watch, right? Argh.

So, all rantings aside, one little tidbit did jump out at me out of all that inane jibber-jabber. And that was a reference to the Canadian women's curling team's skip being a "cougar." The reporter mentioned that Cheryl Bernard is a very attractive woman in her forties, and that the "c" word has been tossed around quite a bit in reference to her. The reporter then went on to observe that Cheryl didn't appear to be offended by the reference, but took it all in stride and/or shrugged it off quite gracefully. My first thought was...and why would she be offended?

But I guess the origins of the term are generally seen as derogatory, as evidenced by this juicy little clip from a Canadian radio station: Jack FM on Cougars (btw, it was news to me to hear that the cougar term was coined in Canada!) And honestly? Yeah...that little clip did offend me. It goes on the assumption that all mature women who have the nerve--let alone the ability--to seek out or seduce younger men are predators! And that makes me question....Is that the assumption that is made of a man in his 70's who is hobbling around with a twenty-two-year-old bottle blonde, silicone-accessorized Barbie on his arm? No, of course not. In that case, we zone in on the young woman, accusing her of being a gold digger. An opportunist. A predator.

Because, as history and the gods can attest, if there is fault or complicity to be found in a sexual liaison or encounter, it is pretty much always to be found with the female half of the pair. Because women are naturally devious and predatory....right? WRONG!

As with many female derogatories, there is no equivalent male insult to be found for "cougar". Even the term "manther", which I recently heard tossed out as a possibility, does not have nearly the same connotation as the predatory nod to cougardom. Hence I prefer to apply my personal alternate philosophy...and rather than evade the word, or make a futile attempt to eradicate it...I prefer to take ownership of it.

Personally, I'm a bitch and proud of it. I love the song by Meredith Brooks. It goes another step by giving the word--and hence the woman--power over the word and herself. And in that same vein I would be honored to be accused of being a cougar. Just as I would to be called a MILF. If someone looked at me and thought..."Hey, she's sexy and savvy enough to entice a young buck into bed for a romp or two,"....I'd be perfectly cool with that. And seriously, people...how many twenty-something-year-old men don't find the thought of being with an older woman intriguing? They're not being taken advantage of. They know EXACTLY what they're getting in the deal....a sexy woman who knows what she likes, knows what she's doing, could probably teach him a few things, and very likely isn't looking for any kind of long term commitment. What young horny dude wouldn't jump at an opportunity like that? And do so with his eyes wide open. To assert that he's being "taken advantage of" is as insulting to him as it is to the woman.

So I sincerely hope that Cheryl, like myself, is secretly thrilled at the label. Maybe she didn't win the gold, but she did for curling what Tiger (the old Tiger, at least) did for golf. She's helped make it sexy and fun. And I say more power to her!

Watch out for the bum police!

2010-02-24T17:26:00.000-08:00

No, no...I'm not talking about cops rounding up beggars and vagrants or mean old men in fingerless gloves with dogs named Bullseye. I'm talking about Bedroom Bobbies. Carnal cops. The Pussy Patrol! Or, my personal favourite, the Orifice Officers! Because that's what my rant is about, after all. It's about which orifice the state deems appropriate for penetration...as highlighted by this video of a New Hampshire State Representative sharing her thoughts on the issue:
Nancy Elliott Speaks

So...her incredibly ASSinine word choice and obvious ignorance aside, this brings up for me again, the timeless question...why does the state or the government or the church, or ANYONE care what people's orifice of choice is for sex? (Pardon the phrasing. There just doesn't seem to be an easy way to write that.) For as much as that makes no sense to me, laws and ordinances and regulations relating to sexual preferences are as common as they are crazy. According to Wikipedia, sodomy laws--which include oral sex and masturbation, btw--exist in 70 of the 195 countries of the world. And, much to my shock and dismay, many so-called civilized Western nations are included in this number. And that includes my beloved home soil. Apparently, in Canada, anal sex is legal between consenting adults, as long as there are no more than two people involved. Ah, damn. There go my plans for that anal threesome this weekend.

So, I have two huge questions with regards to these laws. The first, perplexing question is...how, exactly, does one monitor and enforce such laws? Beyond having Big Brother type cameras in the bedrooms of the world and creating a titillating task force to monitor it all...what ARE the options? And then, of course, is the much bigger question which I've already mentioned in my rant....WHY?

How exactly does the insertion of a penis into another person's rectum and "wiggling it around in excrement" (oh, it hurts me to even type that) threatens homeland security? Or the economy? Or even my pension?

As far as I can tell the only threat is to the lawmaker's sense of control over their world. To their ignorance and intolerance. Allowing anal sex..or oral sex...or threesomes...or even sex with men with breasts...could lead to opening all sorts of back doors...and shattering the tiny little boxes that these ignoramuses have chosen to call home.

So what's the moral of this story? People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw brass butt plugs? Or maybe just...MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!

So....Tiger Woods had sex...

2010-02-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

...and he apologized for it today. Profusely and repeatedly...without inflection or emotion...to the point that I found myself falling into a trance as my mind wandered to visions of proud poles and pristine balls set against a backdrop of lush foliage.

But all personal grooming issues aside....the whole thing leaves me wondering yet again...WHY? Not so much why did he do it. As why do we care? So, another powerful, rich, reasonably attractive man has slept around. Was this really a news flash to the world? Or rather...was it really a flash worthy of the news? Not to say what he did was okay. Or smart. Or even reasonable. But, to me anyway, it certainly wasn't unexpected. I'm sorry for his wife's anguish, but fail to see how the minute, intricate details of Tiger's infidelities have any bearing on my life. Let alone my choice of which watch or which cell phone provider to choose. Basically I don't believe it's worthy of the media attention that has been showered on it.

Perhaps my reaction is due in part to the fact that a few days ago I watched a lecture delivered by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, renowned author of Infidel, at the University of Wisconsin. She speaks out vehemently against the burqa and how Sharia law oppresses and objectifies women of the Islamic faith. And for that a good friend of hers was brutally murdered and she now lives in hiding and constant fear of her life. As part of her speech she talked about how acts of violence against women on American soil are continually ignored by the American media. She cited tales of a Texas father strangling his daughters for dating boys outside their faith, of an Atlanta girl having to flee her own home and go into hiding because her own parents have condemned her to death for converting to Christianity. Such stories rarely make it to the media, let alone make a big splash on the front page. This lack of attention is like a silent affirmation, thus allowing such persecution to continue relatively unnoticed and unchecked even though it goes against everything North American society stands for. Ayaan poses some very poignant theories as to why.

Unfortunatley I don't have any answers to that, but it certainly puts certain news and scandals into perspective. I am tired of hearing about the shock and outrage over Tiger Woods supposed sex addiction. There are much better things to be shocked and outraged about in our own communities, things that, perhaps we can have an influence on. But in order to feel that shock and express that outrage and make those changes we have to know what's happening to our neighbours and our neighbours' children. Somebody has to tell us. I just wish there was somebody out there who cared enough to do that.

A woman's sexuality is very closely tied to her sense of self and personal empowerment. And, yeah...it helps to have an intact clitoris--not to mention a healthy intact body to go along with it. That is something I would rally for for all women. I just wish I could find more ways to do that.

Innuendo. Immature? Or the great unifier?

2010-02-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

Part of my job in the hospital blood bank where I work part time is to issue or "sign out" blood and blood products that we have prepared for specific patients. One of the most important part of this process is identification--or making absolutely sure that the right unit of blood is issued to the right corresponding patient. Hence when a unit of blood is sent on its way there is a rigorous process of checks and double-checks that must be followed, and then both the tech (myself) and the porter who is transporting the blood must sign off that it has been done.

We see these porters very regularly and often develop a good rapport with them. A couple of days ago, after completing the process, I signed the sheet and handed it over to CL, my porter buddy, to add his initials to the sheet. But he informed me he had already signed.

I peered down at the sheet and laughed. "Oh. So you did. It was so small I missed it."
Without missing a beat he replied, "Yeah. I hear that a lot."

Honestly, he had beat me to the punch! The same phrase was on the tip of my tongue, even as he said it. We both laughed over it, and I found myself chuckling over the incident on and off all day.

It got me thinking...
What exactly was so funny about it? I think, actually, that it was less the actual joke...as the fact that--without exchanging any set up or explanatory words--we both knew exactly what the innuendo referred to. Without uttering one dirty, or even suggestive word, we shared a "dirty joke." Perhaps that's a simplification, or just way off base, but there's no denying that there is a...commonality about the sexual experience. It is one thing that all of humanity shares an interest and--for the most part--an experience in. There are sexual undercurrents running through our lives constantly, and it's those moments when they bubble to the surface during our typical non-sexual work day...those moments when we share a knowing look or a secret smile...that, I think, we feel just a bit more human. And maybe...just a bit more connected to each other.

I am notorious in our home for being able to turn the most innocent of comments or phrases into a sexual innuendo...
Like the other night, we were watching a mini-documentary on the physics of bubbles. The narrator informed us, not surprisingly, that touching a bubble with a dry finger, invariably results in a burst bubble! He then demonstrated touching a large bubble with a wet hand--a hand that has been dipped in the same bubble solution, and quipped, "If the hand is wet, it is welcomed inside."
My son was already snickering when I added knowingly, "You see? Lubrication is everything."

My family often roll their eyes at me or I hear a long drawn out, "Maawwwwm." But typically we all end up having a good laugh and enjoying the joke immensely. Some might say that makes me immature. That I have a one track mind even! (Gee. I write erotica. Ya think?) But I think it just means I'm enjoying life. I'm in touch with my sexuality, and I'm allowing myself the freedom to express it.

Then again...maybe it's just a dirty joke.

Nikki Soarde, Sex Diva and dirty minded mom.

A Valentine card for my hunny...

2010-02-13T12:46:00.000-08:00

Yes...it's Valentine's Day. That Hallmark day of roses, chocolates, long lingering looks, sexy lingerie and overpriced cards. But for as much as I roll my eyes at the obvious commercial motivations behind this rather...contrived holiday, I can't deny that taking a special day out of the year to show your special someone...or someones...how much you appreciate them is a good thing! Most of us take each other for granted far too much, and heck...any excuse to go out for a nice dinner and eat chocolate!

However...having said that, my hunny and I don't generally make much of a fuss over the whole Valentine scene. Oh, over the years I've gotten my share of cards, and I've baked a couple of giant heart-shaped chocolate chip cookies. But this year, as has happened on many Valentine's Days over the past 26 years with my hunny, I suspect the day will flutter by with little more than a sweet kiss and a "Happy Valentine's Day, hunny. I love you." There will be no perfume or chocolate, and if I get a card I'll appreciate it, but the honest truth is...I feel loved and appreciated and like a princess almost every day. So I feel no need to, on this particular day, prop my hands on my hips, thrust out my chest...and demand my due share of adulation.

AT the risk of sounding like I'm bragging...and sounding like a Diva...I'm going to list all the reasons that my hunny is the best hubby in the whole wide world:

Just last month he brought me a bouquet of flowers just because. (note the pic!)
I routinely get hour-long massages, complete with scented oils and affectionate kisses.
We watch movies together all the time, and that includes the occasional chick flick--without complaint!
He is, without a doubt, my biggest and most outspoken fan.
He takes me out dancing on a regular basis, and often encourages me to go out for the my allotted "girls' night on the town."
He is a great dad. And he knows how to clean!
He isn't big on cooking, but he bakes the most amazing cakes. White chocolate lime cheesecake is his specialty.
He is a slow, sensual, patient lover.
We laugh together.
He tells me that I'm sexy and that he loves me at least five times a day.

I know there's more, but at the moment I can't think of anything. Suffice it to say I feel damn lucky to have found him, and I hope this blog helps to show him how much I appreciate him. Every day. And that I plan to appreciate him every day for the next 30 years.

So, how about you? What are your Valentine traditions? Hopes? Peeves?

Nikki
Spoiled Sex Diva

The areola aversion

2010-02-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder why we have such an aversion to the areola? Only the female version, however. The male version, although it is for all intents and purposes, physiologically identical to the female version is completely acceptable. Matthew McConaghey flaunts his nipples with relish. (Actually I'd prefer his with ketchup). And when Gerard Butler (hold on while I get a napkin for the drool) whips'em out it's just good, sexy cinema. But for some reason the moment that little section of slightly darkened, puckered pink skin, set atop a mound of mammary glands..is unleashed...it's reason for all sorts of scandal. Everything from R-rating to allegations of child corruption.

Facebook has taken this obsession to a new level. The powers that be over at the social networking giant banned pictures of mothers nursing their newborn infants because a sliver of areola was visible beyond that sweet, bowlike, baby mouth.

Would someone PLEASE explain this to me? What IS the distinction? Why are a few square micrometers of puckered pink nipple so much more obscene than three acres Pamela Anderson's sun-drenched silicone-stretched skin? The moment a bit of nipple peeks out from behind that red spandex...it's as if the world--or perhaps our poor children's innocence--is coming to an end!
I don't get it.

No answers this time. None at all. Just a lot of eye-brow arching, brain-boggling questions.

Making fantasy a reality?

2010-02-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

Unbelievably I already have my first question! And, no dipping toes into the water here. This is a bona fide, unadulterated (no pun intended. Well...okay. Maybe a little bit) baptism-by-fire type question.
The reader asked for my advice on the process of bringing a fantasy to life. Her fantasy is a two-parter. 1. to be with another woman. and 2. to be with multiple men at the same time. And she's looking for some thoughts on how to broach this subject with her husband/partner.

As I said, no baby steps here. For me, that's a pretty significant question to ask this non-expert. However I do have some thoughts and, not being one to shy away from a challenge, I'm willing to share.

Before I get into it too deeply though, I would like to make a....qualification. For the purposes of this blog--as with all my stories--as far as I'm concerned, as long as a sexual scenario is entered into by consenting, informed, mature adults, I will accept it and view it as a potentially--and hopefully--positive experience, and deal with it as such. I am not here to condemn or act as anyone's moral compass. Such things are better left for...well...I'm really not sure whose place it is to make such judgement calls. Perhaps that's a topic best left for another blog.

So, with that out of the way I'll dive in with a couple of things to consider before you even consider taking this enormous step of attempting to take the step of making fantasy a reality.

And that's the first thing you have to realize. That this is a very big step. Taking poly-amorous sex out of the realm of fantasy into the realm of reality is not nearly as easy as the books and movies can, at times, make it out to be. Buying and using a toy or two, or trying out some bondage with a pair of fuzzy hand cuffs is one thing. Bringing other people into the bedroom is another thing entirely. You can't be jealous of handcuffs. You can't mistrust a dildo or wonder if your wife is starting to prefer it to you. Well, okay, maybe you can. But if that's the case then there are bigger issues at work here!

In a nutshell, any sexual scenario that involves bringing outsiders into the bedroom also implies bringing them into a relationship. No matter how casual or brief the encounter, human nature being what it is, that is opening the door on a whole host of issues that you had better be prepared to deal with.

Hence, in order to deal with that your relationship had better have a few basic features already in place before you even attempt such a thing.
1. Honesty
2. Trust
3. Security and
4. ...and this is the most important one of all...THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY!
If a relationship is lacking in any of those areas, then my suggestion would be to work on those issues before you even attempt taking it to the next level. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble.

However, let's assume you have a relationship that is characterized by those four things, a relationship that is not plagued by petty jealousies or suspicions. If you have that kind of partnership as a basis...there are some ways to set yourselves down the road to realizing a fantasy, and ease your partner into the idea of expanding your sexual horizons...gradually and gently, without making them feel threatened by your desires.

1. Start by sharing your fantasies as just that. Fantasies. You can do this in the bedroom, during pillow talk or as a way to stimulate and arouse each other. Play it out in words and make up scenarios together. If you're a little shy about just coming out with things like that, try reading some erotica together! (the plug was just too good to pass up). If you're more into visual stimulation, try watching porn together. When a lesbian or gang-bang scene comes up, comment on how hot that is...try using it as form of foreplay...and see how that's received. If it's received positively--as in "Oh yeah. That's so hot. I've thought about that, too!" ...then you can feel safe taking the next step.

2. Try a little flirtatious sexual "scavenger hunting." When you're at the beach, or sitting in a restaurant, look around and comment on the people you see. Who do you find attractive? Who would you do? If the waitress or waiter is particularly attractive create a fantasy where you invite them home with you for a threesome. Possibly even take it to the next level and do a little overt flirtation with the subject of your "hunt." Just be sure you're always hunting together. If you always view it as an activity that you're both sharing in, you'll minimize the risk of jealousies or insecurities creeping in.

3. If you get to the point where you're comfortable enough with the concept that you actually consider making it a reality, there are numerous clubs, websites and "dating" services that are available for just such a purpose. There are plenty of people out there looking for exactly the same things as you are, and thanks to the wonders of the Internet, there are lots of ways to find them.

Beyond that, it's up to you!
Just be careful to always be a unit. Approach any sexual fantasy fulfillment as a couple, be very clear on what you want and need, and speak up immediately if there are doubts, discomforts or hesitations. You love your partner, and you want their needs to always be your priority. By viewing your adventure as a way to fulfill your partner's needs as well as your own, you'll be paving the road towards a sexy, hot, positive experience.

And not the road to divorce court.

Straight Pride?

2010-02-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

The great thing about having an open dialogue with your kids when it comes to sex is...sometimes you get these great questions coming home! Questions that really make you stop and think and say...yeah...why is that? Why do we do that? Why do we think that? And sometimes it forces you to actually come up with answers.

I had one such great question from my #1 son (age 17) a while back. He wanted to know my thoughts on the whole Gay Pride movement. The parades, the events, etc. He'd been having a discussion with a friend of his who, although he claimed to have "nothing against gays" (doesn't that little phrase just make your butt clench because you know there's a "but" coming?), he wondered why did they need to have this whole "Gay Pride" thing going on? Straight people don't have a Pride week. What makes the gay population so special?

Now, keep in mind that #1 son is keenly aware of my views on homosexuality. I'm quite vocal about my outrage over the Prop 8 issue, and I have attended the Pride parade in the past. I write M/M sexual fiction for God's sake...frankly, I find it kinda hot...so I'd be the ultimate hypocrite if I had any issues with "gay rights."

But, having said that...his question really did make me stop and think. It's a valid point. If gays want to be seen as equal to straights, why should that mean they have special privileges...like a whole week to, quite literally, strut their stuff in public.

But...ah...then it hit me. There's the rub! as Hamlet once said--and don't you wonder if he was sexually confused? He was confused about just about everything else. Anyway...I digress. The rub is that gays are not equal! Not yet. Not by a long shot. Oh, we've come a long way, for sure. Teachers can no longer be persecuted or fired because of their sexual orientation. And there are even support groups in most highschools for gay students and their friends. But...hang on. If there's a need for a support group, doesn't that imply a need for...well...support? Don't recall seeing any straight support groups listed in the yearbooks lately.

I asked my son if he'd think anything of seeing a boy and girl exchange a quick peck in the halls at school. "No. Of course not." But would you feel the same about seeing two boys do that? "Uh..." Yeah. That might cause a stir.

So therein lies the need for Gay Pride. The fact is, we're still a bit touchy about the homosexual experience. We know about it, but don't want to know too much. And, God forbid, we actually see evidence of it! Hence, a gay couple can't feel truly comfortable displaying their choices, or affection, too overtly in public.

So maybe the Pride Parade is a bit shocking and a bitin your face with a lot of junk being displayed in, at times, rather unexpected ways. But we need that. We need to have Gay Pride flaunted in our face so that we get used to it. It demystifies it. Makes it less scary. The more you see, the less you worry about what you don't see. So, that was my answer to my son.

The day that Adam Lambert can kiss his keyboard player without it being a newsworthy event (and let's face it that was the real source of controversy), the day that a gay couple can happily kiss each other goodbye at the airport without worrying that one of them may get accosted for it later...that will be the day that there is no longer a need for Gay Pride. And I, for one, look forward to that day.

Then again...Gay Pride is a lot of fun! All the colors and the music and the simple joy of seeing these people truly be themselves without equivocation or fear. There's something special about that. Witnessing the occasional penis flopping above a set of high heels is a small price to pay for all that.

Dictionary decreed a dirty book!

2010-02-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

If you haven't already heard about this, here's the headline: 'Oral Sex' definition prompts dictionary ban in US schools. Yes...it's true. Schools in Menifee Union School District in California pulled and banned the offending dictionaries from their grade 4 and 5 classroom shelves. As far as I know there's been no impromptu bon fires in the area...but judging from the tone I wouldn't be surprised if a book barbie is in the works.

The graphic, "age inappropriate" definition which prompted all this attention? Oral sex: "Oral stimulation of the genitals." Did I see the word...GENITALS??? In print? Fuck! Oops. Was that my outside voice?

The book ban is jaw-dropping enough, but what really kills me is this little gem of a quote from the district spokesperson: "It's hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we'll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature."

Oh, the sacrifices we make for our kids! Can't you just see them? The Stepford Brigade? Huddled in their floppy hats, floral print sundresses and perfect Prada sandles...sipping tea in Mrs. Robinson's garden? Each of them with a dictionary splayed on their lap, drool dripping from their jowls as they scan page after page of dull, dry, definitions...looking for that one little gem. That one combination of words that will give them the thrill and satisfaction of raising their cup and crying, "Ah HA! I found another one!" all the while wondering if their battery supply at home will stand up to the workout they intend to give that night.

Okay, so pussy-clenching prima-donnas aside...what I see as the really disturbing issue here is the implicit attitude that children need to be sheltered from sex. At all costs. Don't talk about it. Don't read about it. Don't even acknowledge it...until an "appropriate" age when they can handle it. Whatever that means.

I run into this attitude all the time. For example, a number of months ago, a co-worker was lamenting the fact that her 9-year-old daughter had come home and asked, "Mom, what's a boner?" Caught off-guard, and ill-prepared, Mom had made some off-the-cuff explanation, telling her daughter that it had something to do with bones that dogs buried. Another colleague confided in me that her son had asked her, "Mom, how do gay men have sex?" Her reaction, once again, was to hide her blush and simply dodge the topic by changing the subject.

In my opinion, these women made a HUGE MISTAKE! They missed invaluable opportunities to actually talk to their kids about sex. When a child asks, the question should be answered simply, directly, candidly, and without fan fare. What are we teaching our kids by not talking about it? Well, we're probably teaching them that sex is dirty and unsavory and embarrassing, and not something to be discussed in any linguistically identifiable language. We're definitely teaching them that it's not something Mom or Dad want to hear about. So when the teenage daughter begins to be tempted to experiment sexually...will she be comfortable coming to mom to ask about contraception? Is oral sex okay, Mom? What about STD's? Uh...What do you think will happen?

I have three boys ranging in age from 12 to 17, and I have always made it a policy to make sex an open topic of discussion. When one of my boys recently asked me to explain a joking reference to a woman's "box" that he'd seen in a movie...I told him, "It's a slang term for vagina." When the topic of child porn came up in the news and ended up being brought up at the dinner table, we discussed what that meant and why it was wrong. And yes, my boys know how gay men "do it." I even showed them pictures from my trip to the Toronto Pride Parade.

It's not always easy...either for me, or for them...but I think it's important. Children handle things much better when they have information...and even more so when it's the right information. And there's no age that's right or wrong. If they're old enough to ask the question...they're old enough to hear the answer. They don't deserve evasions and to be saddled with somebody else's sexual hang-ups. Believe me...I know about hangups. But that's a topic for another post.

I want my kids to feel comfortable talking to me about anything, and the way to do that is to be comfortable talking to them....about anything. And I think this is a great place to start.

Discover your inner Diva and say something dirty today,
Nikki