Great Expectations

Over the past few days I've had a lot of conversations about labels. There are so many kinds of labels. There's the washing instructions that tell me not to dryclean my clothes. (Silly people. As if I needed to be TOLD not to waste my money). Then there's the label on my pillow that is illegal to remove. (Can you hear the RRRRIIIIPPPing sound as I take those instructions to heart?). Then there's those cruel sizing labels on my jeans. Labels that try to convince me my waist has expanded, when I KNOW that to be a lie. There are warning and instruction labels. All of which provide us with essential, valuable information.  But no...none of these are the labels that my conversations have revolved around.

It all started with an acquaintance at work very earnestly asking my opinion on some relationship labels. Seeing someone vs. dating someone. Friendship with benefits vs. buddies... or even "Fuck buddies." Despite the fact that I have been out of the dating circuit for...well...actually I never really WAS in the dating circuit, she was adamant that I'm one "in the know" and I should have some ideas on the subject. Never one to NOT have ideas, I had to concur with that evaluation...and I shared my thoughts with her...such as they were.

Actually, the definitions that we came up with aren't really all that important. But what I did find fascinating was the realization that what these labels are....the function they serve...is really all about another nasty word: EXPECTATIONS.  Good or not...positive or not...each of these labels conjures up a set of expectations for each of the parties involved. Everything from how many times a week do I call or text this person? To how many times a week do we fuck? To whether or not you're allowed to "see" or "date" other people. The trick, of course, is to make sure that these sets of expectations match. That one person's definition of "dating" and all it entails is essentialy the same as their partner's definition. Because if those two definitions differ, hence the expectations differ, you're in for a shit load of trouble.

So, in this way, labels can be a very dangerous thing. I mean who among us wants to get tagged with labels like "nerd" or "blonde" or "slut." Labels tend to lead to assumptions about people and we like to attach all the characteristics that go along with a particular label to the person or, of course, relationship, in question.  and assumptions are almost always a bad idea. In relationships, more so than any other facet of life, communication and clarity of expectations is paramount for any relationship to continue successfully.

Now I had a friend at one time who was very big on keeping our friendship casual. He wanted a friendship with, and I quote, "No expectations." I basically told him that this notion was BULLSHIT. There is no such thing as a friendship or any relationship for that matter, with NO expectations. Even the idea of having no expectations...is an expectation!  Whether it's the expectation that you call that person all the time or that you never call them... Whether it's the expectation that you get together for coffee once a month, or the simple expectation that you pick up the phone when the other person calls....  Insignificant or not, each of these are expectations. And when expectations are not met it always, always leads to conflict, often heartache. And possibly the use of automatic weapons. Essentially, a relationship without expectations...is not a relationship.

So, having said that I would put it to you that labels, while generally unavoidable and somewhat dangerous, are also a necessary evil, and perhaps we should see them as a good starting point. Personally, I'm in favour of taking on my labels and, rather than denying the images that they illicit...working towards changing them.

Think of the word "gay" for example. Thirty years ago that word brought up very different images and reactions than it does today. At least for a significant portion of the population. It took a lot of work on the part of the gay community to change that, and I'm really not sure that simply avoiding the use of the term i.e. the label, would have gotten them there any sooner. What abour words like Muslim, atheist, bisexual, submissive, masochistic. How about fuck vs. sex vs. making love? Sodomy vs. anal sex? The list of labels, and the list of characteristics and perceptions that we attach to these labels is endless.

I guess my ultimate point is to use labels cautiously, always be clear on what that label means, be open to new ideas and new definitions, and always, always be clear on the expectations that go along with them.

Relevant or not, I just have to end with this line that I heard in a movie this week:
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because men fake foreplay.

Maybe they should've defined foreplay a little more clearly!!

By the Bi...

In honour of the impending release of my new M/M/F story, Triple Knot, I thought it was a good time to look a little more deeply into the male bisexual experience. An acquaintance of mine was kind enough to agree to answer some....basic questions about his personal experiences with his sexual orientation.


Meet Paul....a 40-something year old male who has, taken what the world has to offer and lapped it up. Sometimes...literally! If this interview sparks any comments, or further questions...please don't hesitate to ask. Paul is quite open to continuing the dialogue.
(Warning: Some answers are quite graphic. Rather like something you'd find in an erotica novel. ;-)


Here goes....

1. Paul, did you always know you were attracted to men as well as women? If not, how old were you when you first came to the realization that you were attracted to men?

My case is special: When I was barely 12, I began having erections. And, um, they were big. No, I'm not bragging. I'm a true 8". But on a 12-year-old, an 8" erection is HUGE . And the 2nd or 3rd time I had one - still being a child - I did what all children do with something new: I put it in my mouth. Now don't ask me why I did that (why does any kid put anything in his mouth??), I just did. And about 10 seconds later I discovered something else new: ejaculation. Right down my throat. It tasted funny but it felt great!! --Wow! Seriously?? I gotta wonder how many men are...er...flexible enough to be able to do this! I think I feel a poll question coming on! This is truly fascinating.

At the time, I didn't even realize that would be considered "sex" because I had no clue what sex was. I just knew it felt great when I did it. So I did it a lot. I didn't tell anyone, not because I was ashamed, or knew it was wrong, but because it felt so good. Anything else I did that was fun, someone - parents, teacher, babysitter - would tell me to stop. I was afraid someone would tell me to stop putting my cock in my mouth. --Yeah...isn't that the way? Everything fun is bad. This question has come up on this blog before. The idea that denying yourself pleasure makes a person somehow more responsible. Righteous. Holy even. It is a huge issue that gnaws ag me...and bears a lot more dialogue than I have time for here.

Before anyone explained what sex was to me, I remember being fascinated with crotches. Girl's crotches in tight jeans (very in style then). Then I noticed that when boys wore tight jeans, their crotches looked different. In an interesting way. I knew, in a vague kind of way, that all boys had penises, and that girls didn't. But I didn't understand why other boy's penises looked so small compared to mine. I also knew, in a similarly vague way, that you put your penis in a girl - but I couldn't figure out where you put it. In her belly button? If so, could you put it in a boy's belly button too? And why would you do such a thing anyway? So many questions....
--Yeah...my mom told me about sex but she told me that the man "went to the bathroom" inside the woman's vagina. Put me off the whole idea for YEARS! Gotta wonder which is worse...NO information? Or semi-neurotic misinformation?

Now here's the thing: I was putting my cock in my mouth 2 or 3 times a day. Why not? But it simply never occurred to me that you could put another guy's cock in your mouth too. Why would it? I also simply didn't realize that not every guy could put his cock in his mouth. I assumed all guys could. Again, why would I think otherwise? And if you could, well, why the hell wouldn't you?? So the first time I heard other boys (13 years old?) talk about "cocksucking" derisively, I thought "what the hell is wrong with them - cocksucking is fun!!" How could anything that felt so good be wrong?? But since they all seemed to think it was the worst thing a guy could do, I kept my pleasures to myself. But I started to think that maybe I could show them how much fun it really was... And so I began to think about sucking other boys' cocks - all in the name of teaching them, you understand. I think at the time, I thought that it would feel just as good as sucking your own... (Hmmm...here's a question for future reference...Who is generally better at giving men oral? Men or women?)


2. Once you came to the realization, did you experience any hesitation or fear over acting on these desires? And if so, why? And was there a specific event or catalyst that caused you to overcome your hesitations and take that first step?

Of course - as described above, guys seemed to think cocksucking was dirty and disgusting. So for all that I imagined showing them how much fun it was, it didn't happen until I was much, much older (and had a whole different understanding). Yeah...strange how cock-sucking by a female is all sweetness and light, but switch genders and suddenly the very fabric of society is threatened.

Was there a specific event or catalyst that finally caused it to happen? If there was, it was just the last of my own inhibitions falling away. That, and an incredible first experience that guaranteed there'd be more.

3. Do you still enjoy women as much as ever, or have your experiences with men affected those desires at all?

Absolutely! Sex with a woman is entirely different than sex with another guy - at least to me. For me, there's almost always some emotional tenderness with a woman, and almost never with a guy. Almost.

If anything, having sex with guys has taught me a lot about having sex with women. Just noticing the differences gives you the ability to exploit them for your partner's pleasure.

4. Have you experienced a threesome with a male/female couple yet? If so, was it a positive experience? What did you like about it? Anything you disliked?

Yes, and it was great, every single time it happened. I'll never forget the first time I saw the look on a girl's face as I made her husband cry in pleasure as he came again and again from the firm-but-gentle butt-fucking I was giving him. She knew that I was giving him something she never could, and she was ecstatic and terrified all at once. I stopped, went to the bathroom and noisely cleaned myself. When I went back in, she was kneeling beside him asking him if he was OK, to which he was whimpering "Oh, yes, oh, God, yes" She then wanted to suck me, but I gently pushed her to one side and made her husband suck my cock right in front of her face. Once again, her eyes went wide as she watched how eagerly he slurped on me. Then I lifted her onto the bed right beside him and eased my wet cock into her. I held her close in my arms and thanked her for letting me bust her husband's cherry.
 A few minutes after that, some careful poking at her G-spot had the desired effect, and she came very hard, holding on to me. Then I got out and told her husband to get in. I got on the floor between their legs, and after a few minutes of him stroking her, I leaned in and licked his balls. He came with a scream, and so did she. Then, as they lay in each other's arms, I lay down beside them and told them how much I enjoyed making both of them cum. As the husband went to clean up, I told her that she shouldn't be afraid of him enjoying it, and that just because I had sex with other guys didn't mean I didn't enjoy sex with women too - including her, as I'd just demonstrated. She smiled and said that she understood better now. They invited me back many times.
--Well, this answer pretty much speaks for itself! Might've come right out of one of my books. Are you sure it didn't? lol

5. Do you feel comfortable "coming out" with these tendencies to more "vanilla" friends and family? If not, what are the attitudes that discourage you from doing so?

I never did tell anyone in my family, and only a couple of my vanilla friends. People just can't understand that "bisexual" isn't the same as "gay" (and that "gay" doesn't always mean "flaming pink cross-dressing femme queer with lisp") For reasons that completely elude me, they think that if you like sucking cock, that's all you like.
--Exactly. And sad though it may be...this is a huge part of the reason I write these novels and this blog. Aside from the sheer joy of writing them...and yeah, ok...the royalties are nice, too...I truly hope that I'm doing my small part in raising awareness and hopefully tolerance and acceptance of the bisexual male's situation and lifestyle. Each time a reader gets to know these characters...as they become real and personal...they become less alien and more familiar. It's much harder to hate something you understand.


6. What if you found yourself in a satisfying triad-style relationship with a man and a woman...would this be a long-term commitment that you would consider making?
Sure; why not? Relationships are about how well your personality matches anothers', not their gender. Unfortunately there are FAR too many people who would disagree with you there. But maybe, eventually, we can change their minds on that point.

Thank you, Paul,) for answering my questions so honestly and candidly. I hope I can call upon you if any new and intriguing questions come up--either from myself or my readers. But for now, thanks for this fascinating glimpse into your world and your experience!

A-e-A-e....Ooooh!

I'm baaaack! Edits for my next novel are done and I have a June 11th release date. YAY!!  In honor of that I plan to start a contest within the next week or so that will allow a couple of lucky winners to get their own free digital copy, as well as a couple of print books of their choice. But more on that later. Now on to the sex.....

When I was seventeen I got a job at a local insurance company. Other than the fact that I saw dollar signs swirling around my head when I found out I would be making two dollars above minimum wage, I don't remember a whole lot about it. The little bit I do remember revolves around long afternoons spent flipping through life insurance policies that had been cashed in. Er...claimed? Er...whatever you choose to call it, these people had died and their family was looking to collect the benefits that they'd signed up for. Now, why they had a wet-behind-the-ears teenager perusing through death certificates and confidential financial information is beyond me. I'm thinking I was looking for something specific, but I no longer remember what that was. What I do remember is reading about my first acount of Auto-erotic Asphyxiation.

In fact, I remember it vividly. In the account of his death I read how he had been alone in his home one night, and his wife (I think) had come home to find him in the basement--rope around his neck, hanging from the ceiling. Ass just a few inches above the ground and legs stretched out before him, naked from the waist down...and with a layer of toilet paper laid out beneath him. Toilet paper that was, at that point of course, soiled with...a variety of bodily excretions.

Now I read this and was, to say the least, puzzled. Not to mention grodied-out to the MAX! (It was the 80's) And then I went to my supervisor and asked her what the fuck this was about? Well, maybe I didn't say it quite like that, but it was at that point that I had my first lesson in the pros--an cons--of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I later remember reading a Michael Crichton novel in which AeA was featured prominently as part of a murder mystery plot. And since then I've heard of it off and on in the media. David Carradine and Michael Hutchence of INXS are two prime examples of "suspicious" deaths that just reeked of  AeA gone horribly wrong. I don't know if AeA was ever ruled as an official cause of death in those cases....I mean what family is going to want that permanently tacked to their loved one's record? But then again...is it really so horrific? Stupid perhaps.It's not suicidal, nor is it intended as a harmful, destructive, or even self-destructive habit.

At least that's what this ARTICLE that I came across yesterday finally pointed out for me. It's one of the most informative and non-judgmental pieces on the subject that I've ever read. Not that I've read many. Well...okay...I've never really read anything else on the subject. But I've often wondered about it, and this does a very good job of filling in the blanks.

Contrary to what many believe,  AeA is not about  masochism or seeking pain. It's about seeking heightened pleasure. And as this article so vividly points it does a very fine job of heightening that pleasure. Not that the means of it isn't disturbing. Especially when we start talking about school yard choking games. That is something I hadn't heard of before, and frankly I wish I hadn't heard of now. AeA and the addiction to it is certainly not a healthy past time, but it is certainly much less mysterious to me now than it was. And learning more about it, and educating our children about the very REAL hazards of pursuing it can only have a positive effect. Unfortunately, knowing the risks didn't help the subject of this article, who was already so addicted that he was past help. But perhaps it can play a part in preventing people from taking that first experimental step down that road.

Short hiatus

Just wanted to apologize for my absence of late, and explain that it'll be a few more days until I get back into the "swing" of things here! I'm working on the edits for my next release, and really need to concentrate on that for now.

But don't worry.... I am working on some interesting stories in the mean time.

More to come on that later.