Sex. It drives us, makes us who we are. I write it and I have a lot of opinions about it. And about other things--everything from movies to politics to education. In fact, after several months absence I've come to realize that I am no sex-pert and that my opinions and passions are far too varied to limit myself to only sexual issues. So....since this is my blog, I figure I should be able to voice my opinions about whatever I please.
If that makes me a be it!

So read, comment, ask questions, rant and rave...but most of all enjoy and open your mind to possibilities!

Sunday, February 28, 2010


This may have nothing to do with sex, but it has to be said.
CANADA ROCKS!!! Best Olympic moment EVER!
There. I'm done. lol

A cougar and proud of it!

So... much like the rest of North America I've been glued to the Olympics pretty steadily over the past two weeks. And, much like the rest of Canada, that has meant enduring hours upon hours of the CTV network's  endless commentaries, interviews, analyses, projections and histories of all the events. Because, God knows...THAT is what we tune in to watch, right? Argh.

So, all rantings aside, one little tidbit did jump out at me out of all that inane jibber-jabber. And that was a reference to the Canadian women's curling team's skip being a "cougar." The reporter mentioned that Cheryl Bernard is a very attractive woman in her forties, and that the "c" word has been tossed around quite a bit in reference to her. The reporter then went on to observe that Cheryl didn't appear to be offended by the reference, but took it all in stride and/or shrugged it off quite gracefully. My first thought was...and why would she be offended?

But I guess the origins of the term are generally seen as derogatory, as evidenced by this juicy little clip from a Canadian radio station: Jack FM on Cougars  (btw, it was news to me to hear that the cougar term was coined in Canada!)  And honestly? Yeah...that little clip did offend me. It goes on the assumption that all mature women who have the nerve--let alone the ability--to seek out or seduce younger men are predators! And that makes me question....Is that the assumption that is made of a man in his 70's who is hobbling around with a twenty-two-year-old bottle blonde, silicone-accessorized Barbie on his arm? No, of course not. In that case, we zone in on the young woman, accusing her of being a gold digger. An opportunist. A predator.

Because, as history and the gods can attest, if there is fault or complicity to be found in a sexual liaison or encounter, it is pretty much always to be found with the female half of the pair. Because women are naturally devious and predatory....right? WRONG!

As with many female derogatories, there is no equivalent male insult to be found for "cougar". Even the term "manther", which I recently heard tossed out as a possibility, does not have nearly the same connotation as the predatory nod to cougardom. Hence I prefer to apply my personal alternate philosophy...and rather than evade the word, or make a futile attempt to eradicate it...I prefer to take ownership of it.

Personally, I'm a bitch and proud of it. I love the song  by Meredith Brooks. It goes another step by giving the word--and hence the woman--power over the word and herself. And in that same vein I would be honored to be accused of being a cougar. Just as I would to be called a MILF. If someone looked at me and thought..."Hey, she's sexy and savvy enough to entice a young buck into bed for a romp or two,"....I'd be perfectly cool with that. And seriously, many twenty-something-year-old men don't find the thought of being with an older woman intriguing? They're not being taken advantage of. They know EXACTLY what they're getting in the deal....a sexy woman who knows what she likes, knows what she's doing, could probably teach him a few things, and very likely isn't looking for any kind of long term commitment. What young horny dude wouldn't jump at an opportunity like that? And do so with his eyes wide open. To assert that he's being "taken advantage of" is as insulting to him as it is to the woman.

So I sincerely hope that Cheryl, like myself, is secretly thrilled at the label. Maybe she didn't win the gold, but she did for curling what Tiger (the old Tiger, at least) did for golf. She's helped make it sexy and fun. And I say more power to her!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Watch out for the bum police!

No, no...I'm not talking about cops rounding up beggars and vagrants or mean old men in fingerless gloves with dogs named Bullseye. I'm talking about Bedroom Bobbies. Carnal cops. The Pussy Patrol! Or, my personal favourite, the Orifice Officers! Because that's what my rant is about, after all. It's about which orifice the state deems appropriate for highlighted by this video of a New Hampshire State Representative sharing her thoughts on the issue:
Nancy Elliott Speaks

So...her incredibly ASSinine word choice and obvious ignorance aside, this brings up for me again, the timeless question...why does the state or the government or the church, or ANYONE care what people's orifice of choice is for sex? (Pardon the phrasing. There just doesn't seem to be an easy way to write that.) For as much as that makes no sense to me, laws and ordinances and regulations relating to sexual preferences are as common as they are crazy. According to Wikipedia, sodomy laws--which include oral sex and masturbation, btw--exist in 70 of the 195 countries of the world. And, much to my shock and dismay, many so-called civilized Western nations are included in this number. And that includes my beloved home soil. Apparently, in Canada, anal sex is legal between consenting adults, as long as there are no more than two people involved. Ah, damn. There go my plans for that anal threesome this weekend.

So, I have two huge questions with regards to these laws. The first, perplexing question, exactly, does one monitor and enforce such laws? Beyond having Big Brother type cameras in the bedrooms of the world and creating a titillating task force to monitor it all...what ARE the options? And then, of course, is the much bigger question which I've already mentioned in my rant....WHY?

How exactly does the insertion of a penis into another person's rectum and "wiggling it around in excrement" (oh, it hurts me to even type that) threatens homeland security? Or the economy? Or even my pension?

As far as I can tell the only threat is to the lawmaker's sense of control over their world. To their ignorance and intolerance. Allowing anal sex..or oral sex...or threesomes...or even sex with men with breasts...could lead to opening all sorts of back doors...and shattering the tiny little boxes that these ignoramuses have chosen to call home.

So what's the moral of this story? People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw brass butt plugs? Or maybe just...MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

So....Tiger Woods had sex...

...and he apologized for it today. Profusely and repeatedly...without inflection or the point that I found myself falling into a trance as my mind wandered to visions of proud poles and pristine balls set against a backdrop of lush foliage.

But all personal grooming issues aside....the whole thing leaves me wondering yet again...WHY? Not so much why did he do it. As why do we care? So, another powerful, rich, reasonably attractive man has slept around. Was this really a news flash to the world? Or rather...was it really a flash worthy of the news? Not to say what he did was okay. Or smart. Or even reasonable. But, to me anyway, it certainly wasn't unexpected. I'm sorry for his wife's anguish, but fail to see how the minute, intricate details of Tiger's infidelities have any bearing on my life. Let alone my choice of which watch or which cell phone provider to choose.  Basically I don't believe it's  worthy of the media attention that has been showered on it.

Perhaps my reaction is due in part to the fact that a few days ago I watched a lecture delivered by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, renowned author of Infidel, at the University of Wisconsin. She speaks out vehemently against the burqa and how Sharia law oppresses and objectifies women of the Islamic faith. And for that a good friend of hers was brutally murdered and she now lives in hiding and constant fear of her life. As part of her speech she talked about how acts of violence against women on American soil are continually ignored by the American media. She cited tales of a Texas father strangling his daughters for dating boys outside their faith, of an Atlanta girl having to flee her own home and go into hiding because her own parents have condemned her to death for converting to Christianity. Such stories rarely make it to the media, let alone make a big splash on the front page. This lack of attention is like a silent affirmation, thus allowing such persecution to continue relatively unnoticed and unchecked even though it goes against everything North American society stands for. Ayaan poses some very poignant theories as to why.

Unfortunatley I don't have any answers to that, but it certainly puts certain news and scandals into perspective. I am tired of hearing about the shock and outrage over Tiger Woods supposed sex addiction. There are much better things to be shocked and outraged about in our own communities, things that, perhaps we can have an influence on. But in order to feel that shock and express that outrage and make those changes we have to know what's happening to our neighbours and our neighbours' children. Somebody has to tell us. I just wish there was somebody out there who cared enough to do that.

A woman's sexuality is very closely tied to her sense of self and personal empowerment. And, helps to have an intact clitoris--not to mention a healthy intact body to go along with it. That is something I would rally for for all women. I just wish I could find more ways to do that.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Innuendo. Immature? Or the great unifier?

Part of my job in the hospital blood bank where I work part time is to issue or "sign out" blood and blood products that we have prepared for specific patients. One of the most important part of this process is identification--or making absolutely sure that the right unit of blood is issued to the right corresponding patient. Hence when a unit of blood is sent on its way there is a rigorous process of checks and double-checks that must be followed, and then both the tech (myself) and the porter who is transporting the blood must sign off that it has been done.

We see these porters very regularly and often develop a good rapport with them. A couple of days ago, after completing the process, I signed the sheet and handed it over to CL, my porter buddy, to add his initials to the sheet. But he informed me he had already signed.

I peered down at the sheet and laughed. "Oh. So you did. It was so small I missed it."
Without missing a beat he replied, "Yeah. I hear that a lot."

Honestly, he had beat me to the punch! The same phrase was on the tip of my tongue, even as he said it. We both laughed over it, and I found myself chuckling over the incident on and off all day.

It got me thinking...
What exactly was so funny about it? I think, actually, that it was less the actual the fact that--without exchanging any set up or explanatory words--we both knew exactly what the innuendo referred to. Without uttering one dirty, or even suggestive word, we shared a "dirty joke." Perhaps that's a simplification, or just way off base, but there's no denying that there is a...commonality about the sexual experience. It is one thing that all of humanity shares an interest and--for the most part--an experience in. There are sexual undercurrents running through our lives constantly, and it's those moments when they bubble to the surface during our typical non-sexual work day...those moments when we share a knowing look or a secret smile...that, I think, we feel just a bit more human. And maybe...just a bit more connected to each other.

I am notorious in our home for being able to turn the most innocent of comments or phrases into a sexual innuendo...
Like the other night, we were watching a mini-documentary on the physics of bubbles. The narrator informed us, not surprisingly, that touching a bubble with a dry finger, invariably results in a burst bubble! He then demonstrated touching a large bubble with a wet hand--a hand that has been dipped in the same bubble solution, and quipped, "If the hand is wet, it is welcomed inside."
My son was already snickering when I added knowingly, "You see? Lubrication is everything."

 My family often roll their eyes at me or I hear a long drawn out, "Maawwwwm." But typically we all end up having a good laugh and enjoying the joke immensely. Some might say that makes me immature. That I have a one track mind even! (Gee. I write erotica. Ya think?) But I think it just means I'm enjoying life. I'm in touch with my sexuality, and I'm allowing myself the freedom to express it.

Then again...maybe it's just a dirty joke.

Nikki Soarde, Sex Diva and dirty minded mom.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A Valentine card for my hunny...'s Valentine's Day. That Hallmark day of roses, chocolates, long lingering looks, sexy lingerie and overpriced cards. But for as much as I roll my eyes at the obvious commercial motivations behind this rather...contrived holiday, I can't deny that taking a special day out of the year to show your special someone...or much you appreciate them is a good thing! Most of us take each other for granted far too much, and heck...any excuse to go out for a nice dinner and eat chocolate!

However...having said that, my hunny and I don't generally make much of a fuss over the whole Valentine scene. Oh, over the years I've gotten my share of cards, and I've baked a couple of giant heart-shaped chocolate chip cookies. But this year, as has happened on many Valentine's Days over the past 26 years with my hunny, I suspect the day will flutter by with little more than a sweet kiss and a "Happy Valentine's Day, hunny. I love you." There will be no perfume or chocolate, and if I get a card I'll appreciate it, but the honest truth is...I feel loved and appreciated and like a princess almost every day. So I feel no need to, on this particular day, prop my hands on my hips, thrust out my chest...and demand my due share of adulation.

AT the risk of sounding like I'm bragging...and sounding like a Diva...I'm going to list all the reasons that my hunny is the best hubby in the whole wide world:

Just last month he brought me a bouquet of flowers just because. (note the pic!)
I routinely get hour-long massages, complete with scented oils and affectionate kisses.
We watch movies together all the time, and that includes the occasional chick flick--without complaint!
He is, without a doubt, my biggest and most outspoken fan.
He takes me out dancing on a regular basis, and often encourages me to go out for the my allotted "girls' night on the town."
He is a great dad. And he knows how to clean!
He isn't big on cooking, but he bakes the most amazing cakes. White chocolate lime cheesecake is his specialty.
He is a slow, sensual, patient lover.
We laugh together.
He tells me that I'm sexy and that he loves me at least five times a day.

I know there's more, but at the moment I can't think of anything. Suffice it to say I feel damn lucky to have found him, and I hope this blog helps to show him how much I appreciate him. Every day. And that I plan to appreciate him every day for the next 30 years.

So, how about you? What are your Valentine traditions? Hopes? Peeves?

Spoiled Sex Diva

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The areola aversion

Do you ever wonder why we have such an aversion to the areola? Only the female version, however. The male version, although it is for all intents and purposes, physiologically identical to the female version is completely acceptable. Matthew McConaghey flaunts his nipples with relish. (Actually I'd prefer his with ketchup). And when Gerard Butler (hold on while I get a napkin for the drool) whips'em out it's just good, sexy cinema. But for some reason the moment that little section of slightly darkened, puckered pink skin, set atop a mound of mammary's reason for all sorts of scandal. Everything from R-rating to allegations of child corruption.

Facebook has taken this obsession to a new level. The powers that be over at the social networking giant banned pictures of mothers nursing their newborn infants because a sliver of areola was visible beyond that sweet, bowlike, baby mouth.

Would someone PLEASE explain this to me? What IS the distinction? Why are a few square micrometers of puckered pink nipple so much more obscene than three acres Pamela Anderson's sun-drenched silicone-stretched skin? The moment a bit of nipple peeks out from behind that red's as if the world--or perhaps our poor children's innocence--is coming to an end!
I don't get it.

No answers this time. None at all. Just a lot of eye-brow arching, brain-boggling questions.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Making fantasy a reality?

Unbelievably I already have my first question! And, no dipping toes into the water here. This is a bona fide, unadulterated (no pun intended. Well...okay. Maybe a little bit) baptism-by-fire type question.
The reader asked for my advice on the process of bringing a fantasy to life. Her fantasy is a two-parter. 1. to be with another woman. and 2. to be with multiple men at the same time. And she's looking for some thoughts on how to broach this subject with her husband/partner.

As I said, no baby steps here. For me, that's a pretty significant question to ask this non-expert. However I do have some thoughts and, not being one to shy away from a challenge, I'm willing to share.

Before I get into it too deeply though, I would like to make a....qualification. For the purposes of this blog--as with all my stories--as far as I'm concerned, as long as a sexual scenario is entered into by consenting, informed, mature adults, I will accept it and view it as a potentially--and hopefully--positive experience, and deal with it as such. I am not here to condemn or act as anyone's moral compass. Such things are better left for...well...I'm really not sure whose place it is to make such judgement calls. Perhaps that's a topic best left for another blog.

So, with that out of the way I'll dive in with a couple of things to consider before you even consider taking this enormous step of attempting to take the step of making fantasy a reality.

And that's the first thing you have to realize. That this is a very big step. Taking poly-amorous sex out of the realm of fantasy into the realm of reality is not nearly as easy as the books and movies can, at times, make it out to be. Buying and using a toy or two, or trying out some bondage with a pair of fuzzy hand cuffs is one thing. Bringing other people into the bedroom is another thing entirely. You can't be jealous of handcuffs. You can't mistrust a dildo or wonder if your wife is starting to prefer it to you. Well, okay, maybe you can. But if that's the case then there are bigger issues at work here!

In a nutshell, any sexual scenario that involves bringing outsiders into the bedroom also implies bringing them into a relationship. No matter how casual or brief the encounter, human nature being what it is, that is opening the door on a whole host of issues that you had better be prepared to deal with.

Hence, in order to deal with that your relationship had better have a few basic features already in place before you even attempt such a thing.
1. Honesty
2. Trust
3. Security and
4. ...and this is the most important one of all...THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY!
If a relationship is lacking in any of those areas, then my suggestion would be to work on those issues before you even attempt taking it to the next level. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble.

However, let's assume you have a relationship that is characterized by those four things, a relationship that is not plagued by petty jealousies or suspicions. If you have that kind of partnership as a basis...there are some ways to set yourselves down the road to realizing a fantasy, and ease your partner into the idea of expanding your sexual horizons...gradually and gently, without making them feel threatened by your desires.

1. Start by sharing your fantasies as just that. Fantasies. You can do this in the bedroom, during pillow talk or as a way to stimulate and arouse each other. Play it out in words and make up scenarios together. If you're a little shy about just coming out with things like that, try reading some erotica together! (the plug was just too good to pass up). If you're more into visual stimulation, try watching porn together. When a lesbian or gang-bang scene comes up, comment on how hot that is...try using it as form of foreplay...and see how that's received. If it's received positively--as in "Oh yeah. That's so hot. I've thought about that, too!" ...then you can feel safe taking the next step.

2. Try a little flirtatious sexual "scavenger hunting." When you're at the beach, or sitting in a restaurant, look around and comment on the people you see. Who do you find attractive? Who would you do? If the waitress or waiter is particularly attractive create a fantasy where you invite them home with you for a threesome. Possibly even take it to the next level and do a little overt flirtation with the subject of your "hunt." Just be sure you're always hunting together. If you always view it as an activity that you're both sharing in, you'll minimize the risk of jealousies or insecurities creeping in.

3. If you get to the point where you're comfortable enough with the concept that you actually consider making it a reality, there are numerous clubs, websites and "dating" services that are available for just such a purpose. There are plenty of people out there looking for exactly the same things as you are, and thanks to the wonders of the Internet, there are lots of ways to find them.

Beyond that, it's up to you!
Just be careful to always be a unit. Approach any sexual fantasy fulfillment as a couple, be very clear on what you want and need, and speak up immediately if there are doubts, discomforts or hesitations. You love your partner, and you want their needs to always be your priority. By viewing your adventure as a way to fulfill your partner's needs as well as your own, you'll be paving the road towards a sexy, hot, positive experience.

And not the road to divorce court.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Straight Pride?

The great thing about having an open dialogue with your kids when it comes to sex is...sometimes you get these great questions coming home! Questions that really make you stop and think and say...yeah...why is that? Why do we do that? Why do we think that? And sometimes it forces you to actually come up with answers.

I had one such great question from my #1 son (age 17) a while back. He wanted to know my thoughts on the whole Gay Pride movement. The parades, the events, etc. He'd been having a discussion with a friend of his who, although he claimed to have "nothing against gays" (doesn't that little phrase just make your butt clench because you know there's a "but" coming?), he wondered why did they need to have this whole "Gay Pride" thing going on? Straight people don't have a Pride week. What makes the gay population so special?

Now, keep in mind that #1 son is keenly aware of my views on homosexuality. I'm quite vocal about my outrage over the Prop 8 issue, and I have attended the Pride parade in the past. I write M/M sexual fiction for God's sake...frankly, I find it kinda I'd be the ultimate hypocrite if I had any issues with "gay rights."

But, having said that...his question really did make me stop and think. It's a valid point. If gays want to be seen as equal to straights, why should that mean they have special a whole week to, quite literally, strut their stuff in public.

But...ah...then it hit me. There's the rub! as Hamlet once said--and don't you wonder if he was sexually confused? He was confused about just about everything else. Anyway...I digress. The rub is that gays are not equal! Not yet. Not by a long shot. Oh, we've come a long way, for sure. Teachers can no longer be persecuted or fired because of their sexual orientation. And there are even support groups in most highschools for gay students and their friends. But...hang on. If there's a need for a support group, doesn't that imply a need Don't recall seeing any straight support groups listed in the yearbooks lately.

I asked my son if he'd think anything of seeing a boy and girl exchange a quick peck in the halls at school. "No. Of course not." But would you feel the same about seeing two boys do that? "Uh..." Yeah. That might cause a stir.

So therein lies the need for Gay Pride. The fact is, we're still a bit touchy about the homosexual experience. We know about it, but don't want to know too much. And, God forbid, we actually see evidence of it! Hence, a gay couple can't feel truly comfortable displaying their choices, or affection, too overtly in public.

So maybe the Pride Parade is a bit shocking and a bitin your face with a lot of junk being displayed in, at times, rather unexpected ways. But we need that. We need to have Gay Pride flaunted in our face so that we get used to it. It demystifies it. Makes it less scary. The more you see, the less you worry about what you don't see. So, that was my answer to my son.

The day that Adam Lambert can kiss his keyboard player without it being a newsworthy event (and let's face it that was the real source of controversy), the day that a gay couple can happily kiss each other goodbye at the airport without worrying that one of them may get accosted for it later...that will be the day that there is no longer a need for Gay Pride. And I, for one, look forward to that day.

Then again...Gay Pride is a lot of fun! All the colors and the music and the simple joy of seeing these people truly be themselves without equivocation or fear. There's something special about that. Witnessing the occasional penis flopping above a set of high heels is a small price to pay for all that.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Dictionary decreed a dirty book!

If you haven't already heard about this, here's the headline: 'Oral Sex' definition prompts dictionary ban in US schools.'s true. Schools in Menifee Union School District in California pulled and banned the offending dictionaries from their grade 4 and 5 classroom shelves. As far as I know there's been no impromptu bon fires in the area...but judging from the tone I wouldn't be surprised if a book barbie is in the works.

The graphic, "age inappropriate" definition which prompted all this attention? Oral sex: "Oral stimulation of the genitals." Did I see the word...GENITALS??? In print? Fuck! Oops. Was that my outside voice?

The book ban is jaw-dropping enough, but what really kills me is this little gem of a quote from the district spokesperson: "It's hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we'll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature."

Oh, the sacrifices we make for our kids! Can't you just see them? The Stepford Brigade? Huddled in their floppy hats, floral print sundresses and perfect Prada sandles...sipping tea in Mrs. Robinson's garden? Each of them with a dictionary splayed on their lap, drool dripping from their jowls as they scan page after page of dull, dry, definitions...looking for that one little gem. That one combination of words that will give them the thrill and satisfaction of raising their cup and crying, "Ah HA! I found another one!" all the while wondering if their battery supply at home will stand up to the workout they intend to give that night.

Okay, so pussy-clenching prima-donnas aside...what I see as the really disturbing issue here is the implicit attitude that children need to be sheltered from sex. At all costs. Don't talk about it. Don't read about it. Don't even acknowledge it...until an "appropriate" age when they can handle it. Whatever that means.

I run into this attitude all the time. For example, a number of months ago, a co-worker was lamenting the fact that her 9-year-old daughter had come home and asked, "Mom, what's a boner?" Caught off-guard, and ill-prepared, Mom had made some off-the-cuff explanation, telling her daughter that it had something to do with bones that dogs buried. Another colleague confided in me that her son had asked her, "Mom, how do gay men have sex?" Her reaction, once again, was to hide her blush and simply dodge the topic by changing the subject.

In my opinion, these women made a HUGE MISTAKE! They missed invaluable opportunities to actually talk to their kids about sex. When a child asks, the question should be answered simply, directly, candidly, and without fan fare. What are we teaching our kids by not talking about it? Well, we're probably teaching them that sex is dirty and unsavory and embarrassing, and not something to be discussed in any linguistically identifiable language. We're definitely teaching them that it's not something Mom or Dad want to hear about. So when the teenage daughter begins to be tempted to experiment sexually...will she be comfortable coming to mom to ask about contraception? Is oral sex okay, Mom? What about STD's? Uh...What do you think will happen?

I have three boys ranging in age from 12 to 17, and I have always made it a policy to make sex an open topic of discussion. When one of my boys recently asked me to explain a joking reference to a woman's "box" that he'd seen in a movie...I told him, "It's a slang term for vagina." When the topic of child porn came up in the news and ended up being brought up at the dinner table, we discussed what that meant and why it was wrong. And yes, my boys know how gay men "do it." I even showed them pictures from my trip to the Toronto Pride Parade.

It's not always easy...either for me, or for them...but I think it's important. Children handle things much better when they have information...and even more so when it's the right information. And there's no age that's right or wrong. If they're old enough to ask the question...they're old enough to hear the answer. They don't deserve evasions and to be saddled with somebody else's sexual hang-ups. Believe me...I know about hangups. But that's a topic for another post.

I want my kids to feel comfortable talking to me about anything, and the way to do that is to be comfortable talking to them....about anything. And I think this is a great place to start.

Discover your inner Diva and say something dirty today,