Sex. It drives us, makes us who we are. I write it and I have a lot of opinions about it. And about other things--everything from movies to politics to education. In fact, after several months absence I've come to realize that I am no sex-pert and that my opinions and passions are far too varied to limit myself to only sexual issues. So....since this is my blog, I figure I should be able to voice my opinions about whatever I please.
If that makes me a be it!

So read, comment, ask questions, rant and rave...but most of all enjoy and open your mind to possibilities!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Making fantasy a reality?

Unbelievably I already have my first question! And, no dipping toes into the water here. This is a bona fide, unadulterated (no pun intended. Well...okay. Maybe a little bit) baptism-by-fire type question.
The reader asked for my advice on the process of bringing a fantasy to life. Her fantasy is a two-parter. 1. to be with another woman. and 2. to be with multiple men at the same time. And she's looking for some thoughts on how to broach this subject with her husband/partner.

As I said, no baby steps here. For me, that's a pretty significant question to ask this non-expert. However I do have some thoughts and, not being one to shy away from a challenge, I'm willing to share.

Before I get into it too deeply though, I would like to make a....qualification. For the purposes of this blog--as with all my stories--as far as I'm concerned, as long as a sexual scenario is entered into by consenting, informed, mature adults, I will accept it and view it as a potentially--and hopefully--positive experience, and deal with it as such. I am not here to condemn or act as anyone's moral compass. Such things are better left for...well...I'm really not sure whose place it is to make such judgement calls. Perhaps that's a topic best left for another blog.

So, with that out of the way I'll dive in with a couple of things to consider before you even consider taking this enormous step of attempting to take the step of making fantasy a reality.

And that's the first thing you have to realize. That this is a very big step. Taking poly-amorous sex out of the realm of fantasy into the realm of reality is not nearly as easy as the books and movies can, at times, make it out to be. Buying and using a toy or two, or trying out some bondage with a pair of fuzzy hand cuffs is one thing. Bringing other people into the bedroom is another thing entirely. You can't be jealous of handcuffs. You can't mistrust a dildo or wonder if your wife is starting to prefer it to you. Well, okay, maybe you can. But if that's the case then there are bigger issues at work here!

In a nutshell, any sexual scenario that involves bringing outsiders into the bedroom also implies bringing them into a relationship. No matter how casual or brief the encounter, human nature being what it is, that is opening the door on a whole host of issues that you had better be prepared to deal with.

Hence, in order to deal with that your relationship had better have a few basic features already in place before you even attempt such a thing.
1. Honesty
2. Trust
3. Security and
4. ...and this is the most important one of all...THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY!
If a relationship is lacking in any of those areas, then my suggestion would be to work on those issues before you even attempt taking it to the next level. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble.

However, let's assume you have a relationship that is characterized by those four things, a relationship that is not plagued by petty jealousies or suspicions. If you have that kind of partnership as a basis...there are some ways to set yourselves down the road to realizing a fantasy, and ease your partner into the idea of expanding your sexual horizons...gradually and gently, without making them feel threatened by your desires.

1. Start by sharing your fantasies as just that. Fantasies. You can do this in the bedroom, during pillow talk or as a way to stimulate and arouse each other. Play it out in words and make up scenarios together. If you're a little shy about just coming out with things like that, try reading some erotica together! (the plug was just too good to pass up). If you're more into visual stimulation, try watching porn together. When a lesbian or gang-bang scene comes up, comment on how hot that is...try using it as form of foreplay...and see how that's received. If it's received positively--as in "Oh yeah. That's so hot. I've thought about that, too!" ...then you can feel safe taking the next step.

2. Try a little flirtatious sexual "scavenger hunting." When you're at the beach, or sitting in a restaurant, look around and comment on the people you see. Who do you find attractive? Who would you do? If the waitress or waiter is particularly attractive create a fantasy where you invite them home with you for a threesome. Possibly even take it to the next level and do a little overt flirtation with the subject of your "hunt." Just be sure you're always hunting together. If you always view it as an activity that you're both sharing in, you'll minimize the risk of jealousies or insecurities creeping in.

3. If you get to the point where you're comfortable enough with the concept that you actually consider making it a reality, there are numerous clubs, websites and "dating" services that are available for just such a purpose. There are plenty of people out there looking for exactly the same things as you are, and thanks to the wonders of the Internet, there are lots of ways to find them.

Beyond that, it's up to you!
Just be careful to always be a unit. Approach any sexual fantasy fulfillment as a couple, be very clear on what you want and need, and speak up immediately if there are doubts, discomforts or hesitations. You love your partner, and you want their needs to always be your priority. By viewing your adventure as a way to fulfill your partner's needs as well as your own, you'll be paving the road towards a sexy, hot, positive experience.

And not the road to divorce court.


  1. I agree that communication is the key to a good relationship. It has to be present along with the trust and honesty.

    Very sound and thoughtful advice, Nikki!


  2. Another consideration to make in pursuing your own fantasies is to consider whether or not you would be open to your partner wanting something similar.

    You want to have an encounter with multiple men at once, would you be ok if your partner wanted an encounter with multiple women? Would he be one of the multiple men, would you be one of the multiple women?
    He may not share such fantasies himself, but if I were you I would definitely be prepared to help fulfill one of his fantasies if you want to experience your own.

    There are a lot of things to consider, but like Nikki says if you go about it openly, honestly, and DON'T pressure anyone, it can very well lead to a VERY happy, satisfying, exciting and positive experience. Who knows what doors these fantasies can open!