The Ass-Backwards-Barbie!

I have heard--and seen--some strange and wonderful things in my life, and truly...there is little that can surprise me anymore. However, last night I heard something that, if nothing else, gave me a good chuckle. A friend steered me toward the tail...er tale of the hapless Southerner who needed to have a rather...eclectic foreign object extracted from his ass. Yes...you guessed it...a Barbie doll!

Now, I can imagine that it didn't feel...umm....too bad going in. Kind of like giving birth backwards, and the head isn't even that big--nothing like pushing out three small watermelons like I did. However, once inserted, and with those pointy little hands and feet now pointed outward...I could see that the removal process could be a little more....problematic? Hence the need for internvention by medical personnel.
So, after the giggles died down, the enormous question of "WHY?!" reverberated through the room. Why would someone do such a thing? Surely it can't feel...good. Are they into pain? What is the purpose of shoving a variety of foreign objects into the rectal cavity?

And other than the possibility that he was inspired by this Eddy Murphy song, I don't have any answers, because frankly I, personally, am not partial to even the most benign anal play. So, the thought of inserting beer bottles or (egads) wine bottles, or live gerbils (aka one version of felching) into that particular orifice is quite beyond my comprehension. However, that doesn't mean I can sit in judgement and say it's "wrong" to want to do such things. And neither can I presume to postulate the attraction to such a fetish...or any fetish, for that matter (and there ARE some doozies!)

And for that reason, I think I'm going to join a fetish site that I know of and see if I can find someone to answer some of those questions, but in the mean time, just for fun, I looked up this list of weird and wonderful sexual fetishes
A couple of favorites out of that list would be:
Formicophilia: deriving pleasure from having insects crawl on your genitals. Kind of like a vibrator, I'm thinking...only without the need for batteries.
and
Plushophilia: the attraction to stuffed animals. Well, if you're into beastiality this is a nice, benign alternative to the sheep farmer's big rubber boots and velcro gloves!

(Btw...yes, that is a "Pooper-Scooper Barbie" in the picture.)

The boob-rut

I admit it...I have fallen into a boob-rut. And by that I do not mean a deep trench worn into the ground by dragging a Triple-D breasted babe across eager earth in an effort to make a pair of uniform furrows for planting purposes. Wow...Sorry. The alliteration, and the use of questionable imagery went a little wild there!

But in truth, the vast majority of female characters in my books are not endowed gorgeous melon-sized globes or overly-enhanced orbs. Most of my female characters are, instead, bestowed with smaller, more "athletic" sized breasts. Basically I'm biased towards an A or B cup...with very occasional ventures into other realms of the alphabet. And the reason for that isn't rocket science. That's where I fall, hence that's what I'm comfortable with...largely because when I write I have to put myself into the character's places and try to imagine myself as "them."  And isn't ironic that it's easier for me to imagine myself as a man with a penis than as a woman with a double-D bra cup.

And what does this have to do with anything, you might ask? Well, last night my dear hubby and I went out and did something we haven't done for FAR too long. We went to one of our favorite clubs for an evening of dancing and socializing! However, unfortunately, and for a variety of reasons, the club wasn't quite as busy as usual and the DJ really got on our nerves. I got tired of hearing his drunken-sounding voice (no, he wasn't drunk, he just sounds like that...allll the time!) telling us repeatedly--in between every two songs, it seemed--how we were all going to party all night long, and how he was taking any and all requests and he guaranteed that he would play those requests. Well, he didn't play mine. The so-called DJ had never even heard of KT Tunstall or The Scissor Sisters, let alone had their music available. So, in between sporadic trips to the dance floor and chowing down on some really excellent French fries, my hubby and I passed the time with a little game of "Real or Refurbished."  Just a good-natured game of trying to guess who among the guests have opted for a little engineering enhancement for their breasts.

Being blessed with relatively small, but unmistakabley perky mounds that seemed to fare quite well through the rigors of three rounds of pregnancy and lactation, I have never really considered the option of enhancement. And if I had I know for a fact my hubby would have actively discouraged it. He has a most distinct preference for the "unenhanced" female form and, having had opportunity to check out the "wares" of a fare number of women who have gone that route...so do I. Make no mistake, I have no issue with women wanting to feel better about themselves. With women who are in need of augmentation for reasons of health or significant "droopage" due to age or various other reasons. I don't even have issue with women who just want a little lift for no other reason than they want cleavage when they wear a low-cut gown. I do, however, have serious issues with THIS.

Of course this is an extreme example, and not one that the vast majority of women...or more specifically any SANE woman would ever aspire to, however it does astound me how many choose to augment to the point that it is so painfully (and I'm quite sure it was) obvious that that is what's happened. When breasts stick out from the chest all on their own, without any help from external sources, or when they just don't move during dancing or running...yeah. That is pretty much a give away. And, I'm sorry but...it just isn't sexy! And if you've ever had the privilege to touch a pair like that? Hard and unforgiving...no. Not sexy at all.

I do not now, nor have I ever, understood the Caucasian (I would say North American but judging from THIS bit of info we hardly have a monopoly on the obsession) obsession with silicone. Breasts are beautiful in ALL their forms...big or small, with tiny pink nipples or large dark areolas, pert and perfect, or etched with stretch marks...we should appreciate them for what they are. I guess what they are however, and what pleasures they provide, varies greatly from individual to individual. I just don't think they should ever be the soul source of esteem or a gage of sexiness for anyone.

If you have time, be sure to scroll down on that page and check out the video from the MidWest Teen Sex Show. It's hilarious! And very poignant.

Pardon my PDA

Errr.....oops. No. That's not exactly the PDA I'm thinkin' of.

All this business about the lesbian couple kissing in public got me thinkin'... Who am I kidding? I'm always thinking! Or at least thinking things that  a good girl shouldn't be thinking.  But anyway...

It got me wondering...what IS it about  Public Displays of Affection? What is it about watching someone else being affectionate that bothers us so? I'm not talking strictly about gay or lesbian affection, although as I said before, I do think they tend to "stick out" from the crowd, becoming a focal point largely because of the sheer strangeness of it all. But as highlighted in that article, even heterosexual couples are often criticized for gettin' a little too friendly in a public setting. But there are two questions that come to mind with regard to that.

First off, you have to wonder, what is the definition of "too friendly"? Is holding hands okay? How about a hug? A peck on the cheek or the lips? What about a long, lingering tongue-free kiss? Or what of a long, lingering kiss that does include a little tonsil-hockey? What about a wandering hand that creeps up to a breast? Or...lower?

You may shake your head at me and say, "Don't be ridiculous! Obviously that's inapproprate behaviour for a public place!" But, although I agree that the last two scenarios are widely accepted as inappropriate and would likely net you a trip to the sidewalk vis-a-vis some not-so-polite warnings...I still have to ask...WHY? There is no bare skin involved. What's so different about brushing a hand across a bra and T-shirt clad breast as opposed to a bare knuckle? Or a bare cheek? "It's more sexual," you might say. But I would argue that a long, lingering look or a gentle kiss on the ear can be just as sexual, just as arousing--if not more so--than cupping a breast.

At this point my best answer is that it's simply about culture and normalization. A few days ago I had a conversation with an East Indian colleague about this very thing. I asked her whether seeing people kiss in public made her uncomfortable. She said, not so much anymore, but when she was younger she was horrified to see a couple holding hands in public! In her culture, such overt public affection was highly taboo. However when she came home and told her mother what she had seen--i.e. the couple holding hands--her mother's response was, "So? What business is it of yours?" Obviously that response went a long way towards changing my colleagues views on such things.

And that would be my answer as well. If you don't like what you see, don't look at it. If you do like it...feel free to watch. If someone is engaging in a little overt affection in a public place then they damn well better be prepared to be watched. I don't think they'd have a right to criticize you for THAT. But there have to be lines, you say. Standards. Rules and limitations must govern all of society. We can't have people fucking in alley-ways, after all. (Uh....of course not. That never happens.)There are certain standards of behaviour that we all must agree on, and I would agree. But these lines are constantly shifting, changing. Mutating. And it's all about socialization.

In the past few years I have been out to a lot of interesting...places. Met a lot of interesting people, and seen a lot of...er... interesting and illuminating things. (Just wait for my report on the gay pride parade in July!) And let me tell you...now, I don't even bat an eye at things that a number of years ago would have had me blushing and gasping in horror.

Maybe that's not a good thing, you might say. We don't like to hear of people getting jaded to the effects of death and war, for example. Of course not. That is a horrible thing, and will always be obscene, regardless of the context. But here we're talking about seeing people express affection and desire for one another. I have a hard time understanding why that is ever considered obscene.

Just as an aside I was THRILLED to hear of Obama's new legislation guaranteeing gays and lesbians equal access to their loved ones in health care settings: Obama Extends Health Care Rights to Gay Partners. I had no idea of the discriminations that have taken place over the years and that have caused so many, so much heartache. Good for you, Obama!!

She kissed a girl...and they didn't like it.

Perhaps this is a bit repetitive. But the theme of homophobia will probably continue to make appearances in this blog...at least for as long as it's an issue in this world. And today the issue is in MY world. This little incident took place very close to home, therefore is much more personal for me.

Not to say I believe...or ever believed that my hometown (i.e. the general region where I live) is perfect, or free of discrimination and intolerance. Believing that would be akin to believing in unicorns, dragons, or the intelligence of your average Alaskan governor. No...I wasn't nearly so naive, however I have never actually experienced the discrimination myself. Well...unless you count being outcast by friends because I write the word "fuck" and believe that sex is something to be talked about ane enjoyed rather than closeted and indulged in in tiny, measured quantities and under very controlled conditions...like tiny pieces of communion bread. (We Mennos use bread rather than wafers.) Anyway...I digress.

So...I still haven't experienced such things personally, however this story is close enough to home to give me pause: A Stir Over Women's Kiss. In a nutshell a couple of young women were reprimanded in a local restaurant when their goodbye "peck" lingered just a little too long. Okay, so the admission that the "peck" lasted for twenty seconds does make one's eyebrows go a bit askew, however, it certainly doesn't sound like they were holed up in the corner with their hands in each others' pants either. The owner's declaration that this is a "family" restaurant and her decision to ask them to leave would have applied to ANY couple and had nothing to do with the display of an alternative sexual orientation...echoes hollowly in my ears. I have a really hard time believing that anybody would have looked twice at a man and woman sharing a slightly prolonged goodbye kiss. Whether intentional or not, I believe this little incident is the result of a hyper-sensitivity to people having the nerve to flaunt their "aberrant" sexuality in public.
So...I have half a mind to haul my hubby down there and test the situation. But if we share a kiss in full view of the staff....and are not reprimanded, exactly who do we complain to? Or maybe...maybe....I should call up a bisexual buddy or two and head on down there for a little experiment.

But that would be bad. Right?

Forget the purity ring...and just DO IT!

I don't know how many of you are familiar with MLIA, but every once in a while when I need a "feel good" fix I head on over there. The quips and anecdotes are occasionally a bit inane, but every once in a while you get a gem like this one:

My grandfather noticed a new ring I was wearing and asked me about it. I explained to him that it was a purity ring and what that meant. He looked at me a bit strangely and said, "I think you should get a Nike ring." When I asked what that meant he said, "Just do it."

I just ADORED that response and wished my kids had a grandfather like that! But what makes this relevant now...what brought it to mind, was this not so insignificant detail about the new health care legislation that Obama recently signed: $250 Million for Abstinence Education. Basically the bill includes a provision for schools to get funding for sex education, but ONLY if it focuses on and promotes abstinence rather than responsible sex. This is wrong on so many levels! But basically, as the article says, this approach has been proven--quite simply--to NOT WORK! If you give kids an all or nothing choice without educating them for anything in between, invariably they will end up somewhere in between...and will be totally ill-equipped to deal with it. However, I have a different angle on this particular issue.

I WAS one of these kids. Because of my religious upbringing, as well as an absolute CERTAINTY that if I ever did it without protection I would most definitely get pregnant (something that was pretty much confirmed by the success of our first-ever pregnancy attempt), I abstained from sexual intercourse with with my now-husband until our wedding night. So, from age 19 to 23, after four-and-a-half years of dating, yes...I was a virgin on our wedding night--albeit a technical one. By that I mean we had indulged in just about everything ELSE but intercourse, but still....

So, was I glad I didn't indulge in unprotected sex? Of course! We had our first son after four years of marriage and that was a smart and good decision. Having a child before marriage would have been stupid, not to mention damn inconvenient, even with a committed partner. However...having been there and done the abstinence thing...I would never recommend it to my children. Or anyone. And I certainly wouldn't recommend it for that length of time.

I'm not talking about the common fear that if you never have sex with a partner before marriage you have no idea if you're compatible or not. If you're involved in kissing, foreplay and perhaps some oral, then I think you've got a pretty good idea of how the other partner will perform in bed. I certainly did. I had no disappointments in that area. However...after so many years of denial. Of trying to "turn it off" and/or call a halt to things just when they were getting...interesting. It is not an easy thing to simply...switch it back on again. Sexual desire and behavioural conditioning don't really work that way. Let's just say our honeymoon was less an exercise in passion and more an exercise in scaling hurdles. Trying to get past this innate sense that "this is wrong." "I'm not supposed to be doing this." "Why is this suddenly okay?"

So there was Pavlovian conditioning, religion-inspired guilt, not to mention getting past the huge image of what sex is supposed to be that I had built up in my mind over the years.

Eventually I got over it. Obviously. But it did take a lot  of time and work on both our parts. So, that's my "been there done that" argument against abstinence. Just get all those hurdles off the track, people.... so you can just run with it!

Inspirational drought...

Working night shifts this week and battling some weird illness that now has me sounding a little bit too much like Kathleen Turner for my liking...has dried up my inspiration as well as my energy. Hope to post something this weekend. There must be SOMETHING sexy about Easter!